I'm tired.

Tired of constantly allowing my worth to depend on how much people love me.
Tired of allowing people inside and trusting them when they aren't really worth trusting.

I'm tired of people trampling down on me. It's time for me to shine. No more insecurities, no more demons. I will see myself through God's eyes again and move forward.

I don't need anybody to dictate my worth.

Obligatory (post) Valentine's Day Post

I've been dying to write something significant lately, but I haven't been able to get any inspiration. 

I did, however, chance upon this beautiful entry and this sparked the fire in me to write. 

My mind goes back to a few months back. I felt beaten up, broken, lost, and betrayed. I felt like I have lost everything. And in the process, I have hurt people. You know how it felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong? That's how I honestly felt like.

Exactly during that time, the youth servants were invited to a retreat. And there was this one activity where you were given silent time to talk to God. So I did what any self-respecting person would do: I loudly voiced out every thought that I had for God.

"God, I honestly don't know why I'm here. I've been trying to feel Your presence since the first day of the retreat, and I could not feel ANYTHING. Where are You when I need You, Lord? I am broken and I feel so worthless. I haven't done anything right. I've even hurt people because of what has been happening. I am nothing, Lord. I am nothing right, nothing whole. Why am I here? Why can't I feel You?" 

And then in the silence of the retreat house, I heard God speak to my heart through a song.

"Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones
And I WILL fix you"

And yes, I know you could tell that I started to cry my eyes out. But what I'm trying to say here is that you may feel like nobody could ever love you for you or that after all that you've given, still you weren't loved the way you deserve to be loved, BUT there is Someone who is willing to pick up the broken pieces and love you back to wholeness. Totally. Unconditionally. Selflessly.

Surrender what is broken and He will make it whole. No ifs, no buts. He'll love you just the same.

The same way He's been loving me and many others since the world began.

The People of my 2011

Inspired to do this because of Ate Faith's blog. Been backtracking my 2011 and I realized how blessed I am to have these people with me. So here goes. BTW, not in any definite order.

1. Amang Hari and Inang Reyna

 

Sweetest couple EVER

Admittedly, this was a very tough year for me, but because my parents have constantly been there to guide me with their wisdom, make me laugh and smile whenever I felt like crying, lift me up whenever I felt like falling down, I am ending this victorious and happy. I wouldn't be this strong and this resilient if it weren't for them.

2. Family Lovess

 

They are who I consider my second family. And my year has been so blessed because they were around. From simple conversations and CG's to adventures and galas everywhere, I am definitely 100,000 times more blessed because these people came and radiated God's love to me.

3. Chris and Saleng

 

I remember JC jokingly telling me that it was a miracle that I have two children at the young age of 22, and these babies of mine are one 4 years younger than me. And yes, though it is very much impossible to have children at the age of 4, I treat these two as my very own kids. And they are my angels. Blessed to have them by my side.

4. Tito Bo

 

Like my mom and dad, he has never failed to guide me with his words of wisdom. Thank you, Tito Bo, for always being there to talk to me when I text you. 'Nuff said.

  5. Ate Keren

We've been in the community since forever, and we only became really close friends 4-5 years ago. But year after year, this person has inspired me to be better. She is my soul sister, one of my confidantes. And year after year, I am still grateful that God gave me her to remind me of His love.

6. Mama Kat

 

This beautiful woman is a living testament of God's amazing love. She has inspired me to continue believing that God will never fail us, no matter how hard the situation is. Here's to another year of being close friends! :)

7. Myrel

 

We have shared laughter, tears, memories, struggles, and fears together. And together, we rose above this year victorious. She has been my companion through the struggles and joys of life. Thank you, kambal! :)

8. Kean

 

Every conversation, whether shallow or deep, has taught me so much. Blessed to have you as my conversation/tambay buddy!

9. Patrick 

 

Started with a picture and FC comments. Now I've found a new friend in this guy. Even though he's very much a bully, I'm still thankful God gave him to me at a time when I was at the lowest. (Yihee. Kilig to the bones.)

10. Zag

 

Like Patrick, he came at a time when I was the lowest. And it all started just because I was their music coordinator for the KCon Youth Track. Now, he's one of my closest friends. And he's definitely one of the blessings of my 2011. 

With all that being said, I look forward to 2012 because of these people, and I'm sure God will bless me more with more brothers and sisters that I will meet. Lez get it on, 2012! :D

Lessons from 2011

Since it's the last day of 2011, I reflected and backtracked on the many lessons that I've learned during the year. Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. To love is definitely a decision: a decision to give, to love, to adjust, to forgive, and to understand. But sometimes, this love has to be reciprocated for you to fully grow.
2. God will restore you, no matter how broken you think you are, God will make you whole in His love.
3. God manifests His love through other people, circumstances, etc. Feel His love in every situation.
4. Two ways of becoming a great friend: Be there and LISTEN.
5. FRIENDS (true ones, at least) and FAMILY will pick you up when you fall.
6. Nothing beats the wisdom of your parents, both biological and spiritual.
7. One of the best feelings in the world is when someone trusts and believes in you.
8. Having a positive outlook in life will get you through the toughest of situations.
9. I can never imagine what my life would be if I didn't have firn faith in God. Holding on to His promise has gotten me through so much.
10. When you lose something, God will replace it with something better. ALWAYS.
11. Most important lesson: Never kang pababayaan ni God. NEVER.

Of Restarting.

Taken from: http://stuckinthemomentxx.tumblr.com/post/14308513230

Saw this on Tumblr, obviously enough. And it got me thinking: Would I really want to redo everything? To undo mistakes, to choose to do something differently? 

It seems really tempting, isn't it? To just redo things, to take another chance to live out this year. What would you have done differently? What would you have wanted to remain the same? Would you take back the words that you've said? Would you have loved more or would you have loved less? 

There are so many questions, what-if's, maybe's, and should-have-been's that I'm sure most of us want to answer. But I know that everything happens for a purpose. Looking back at the year that was, so much has happened. I've met new people, established new relationships, finished some, went back to school after a year of being employed, went to new places, went back to old places, reestablished old relationships, and so much more. I've learned so much from what has happened and from all the people that I've met along the way. I grew so much as a person: wiser, more beautiful, more mature, etc. 

Again going back to the question of would I redo my 2011, my answer is no. I have no regrets with all that has happened this year. Every year, God makes me and molds me into a better person.

Which is also why I'm really excited for 2012. Let's get it on! :)

Of Loving Yourself

I've had tons of eureka moments lately, but this one is the latest, so I'm going to write about this to remind myself and possibly also remind you to love yourself.

I'm sure all of us has made a mistake one point in our life and maybe there was that one mistake, that one choice that you wish you didn't make. That maybe, if you didn't make that mistake, your life would be better or your burden would be lighter. Maybe you're angry at yourself for committing that mistake.

But sweetheart, making mistakes is a part of growing up. You may not know it now, but that mistake will make you bloom more as a person. It would make you wiser, stronger, and more beautiful. Forgive yourself, learn from it, smile, then let it go. After all, all the past mistakes and experiences stitched up together makes a beautiful you.

So rise up again, soar, and shout to the world: "I love my beautiful self!" because that's what you are. No matter how imperfect or broken you may seem, you are beautiful and very much loved.

Moving On.

Yes, there will be days when a certain place, situation, song, or thing reminds you of someone that you used to think the whole world of.

Yes, there will be nights when you'd start missing the person and you'd miss them being a major part of your life.

BUT it's okay. It's normal. You just have to make that firm decision to pick yourself up, stop dwelling on the emotion and the negativity, and start moving towards betterment and positivity.

I'm making that choice everyday. And slowly, but surely, I'm getting there. :)