Untitled.

Sometimes I just don't want to care as much as I do. To not make an effort to make you happy or see you. Or even dress up to look good when I see you.
Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my feelings when you disappoint me. When you distance yourself all of a sudden or when you don't make as much effort as before.
Sometimes I wish that I knew when enough is enough. That I knew when I should keep on fighting or if I should give up and let this go.

In spite of everything that has happened and that has been happening, I still come back. I still want to fight for this. I still keep on trying and trying and trying.

Even though it hurts more and more every single time.

After so long...

I need to let it out because I know I won't be able to finish any of my schoolwork unless I do. 

The past few months have been a roller coaster of highs and lows. I entered the new year, hopeful that maybe things would be a little bit better, but I guess God had different plans. 

I've become so weak, so needy, so afraid to be alone. This isn't who I am. I was this strong, resilient, brave woman who can withstand any trial. Now I'm just reduced to this small person who feels like she can never accomplish anything or do anything right. I've become so dependent on other people for me to feel my worth and value. 

This isn't who I am.

That's why I continue to fight. I will fight harder. I am struggling to get out of this dark cave I'm in, but I'm crawling, I'm trying to remember what it feels like to walk and be in the light. 

I know that God is allowing me to experience this because He has a huge plan for me. I trust Him, and I will fight. I am stronger than this. I will overcome this. 

Oras

I composed a song way back 2011. So far, I haven't tried again. But I am proud of this piece. This was actually dedicated to my ex-boyfriend, Adrian. 

https://soundcloud.com/yonikiyo/oras

Here are the lyrics: 

VERSE 1:

Nagpapaalam
Sa pag-ibig na dagling lumisan
Walang nangyari
Sa sumpaan na walang hanggan
Ang mga sulat
Pinalipad ko nalang sa langit
Mga litratong
Itatago ko nalang muli
CHORUS:

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi
Magpapaalam lang pala tayo muli
Ang pag-ibig na ito ay sadyang hindi na mangyayari
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Ang lahat ng ito ay tatalikuran ko

VERSE 2:

Ang pagsusuyo
Sa simula lang pala tutuparin
Mga pangakong
Wala ring mararating
Aking tiwala'y
Pinili mo nalang basagin
Ang aking puso'y
Pagod nang magmahal muli

CHORUS:

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi
Magpapaalam lang pala tayo muli
Ang pag-ibig na ito ay sadyang hindi na mangyayari
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Kaya sa saglit na ito
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Ang lahat ng ito ay tatalikuran ko

Safe Place

There will always be a place or a person who gives you the greatest amount of safety and comfort in their presence. Like when you need a breather, you just need to go there or be with that person, and you'll be okay. It could have been there all this time, but you chose to take it for granted, or you discover it unexpectedly.

I can't believe it took me years before I realized that my safe place was right in front of me all this time. Never leaving. Never failing. Constant. Unending.

Realization.

I need to write this down lest I forget about it...

I fell in love a year ago with someone who wasn't available. All the while, I thought that I loved him, because I gave him all of my time, effort, and understanding. I thought I loved him because I saw all of his weaknesses and flaws, but still I accepted all of that. I really thought I loved him more than anyone else had.

But I recently realized that I was selfish. I did all that I possibly could to get him to "love" me back. Whenever he'd come to me asking for advice, some of my advice would be towards my bias. I wanted to make him mine, even if it was wrong.

I think that real love is, yes, accepting the totality of the person and loving them regardless of who they are and they are not. But I believe it is also when you lead that person towards the right path, even if it will not entail your happiness. It would mean that you really care about that person. You love him because you genuinely do, and not just because you want them to fulfill a selfish desire in you.

Many would definitely disagree with me, I'm sure, but this is what I believe in. This is what I stand for. I've long accepted the fact that this mystery dude and I will never get back together, and I've learned my lesson from it. And I hope that the next time I love someone, it will be the right kind of love. No selfishness, no greediness. Only pure, genuine, unadulterated love.

Backsliding.

Sometimes, it's easier to go back to what is familiar, to what is your comfort zone. It's so easy to backslide to your past demons. It's so easy to go to back to relying on ther people for your happiness,

But deep inside, there will always be a longing for something greater; for something much more amazing. I forgot who said this, but it's true: nothing worth having comes easy. Whether it be your dreams, your ambitions, a specific person, etc. If it's worth having, you will strive for it.

And it is with this that I will continue to struggle; that I will contiue to push forward and love myself more. I will not settle for less; I will not go back to how I once was because I know that something greater is waiting for me. Because I know that God has a bigger and better plan for me; and even if it's something I cannot see right now, I will wait and continue to strive. Because I know that it will come soon.

Raw, Brutal Honesty

Warning: This will be nothing like stuff I usually post. I've decided to express myself 100% through this post. So I apologize in advance for all my grammatical errors because I will be writing using my heart. Here goes...

I have an illogical fear. No, it's not like a fear of needles or spiders, it's something that I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that no one would love me for who I am. I am afraid that no respectable guy would ever take me seriously. I am afraid that I would never be beautiful enough, good enough, amazing enough, for anyone to take me seriously.

This fear has gripped me so much that I would change myself to please people. I would wear make-up, grow my hair, lose weight, dress-up, because I thought that it make people, men in particular, like me more. I never felt beautiful, though.

This fear also led me to settle for what was presented in front of me. God wanted nothing but the best for me, but I believed that I didn't deserve the best. So I would settle for whoever was there. And then I would feel beautiful because there was someone constantly showering me with so much attention.

But I never felt whole. I always felt empty and lost. Whenever I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. I found it hard to forgive and love myself.

Friends, I'm telling this to all of you because I want everyone to know that I've had enough. I've had enough of conforming to other people's standards for me to feel good about myself. I've had enough of listening to all those voices inside of me telling me that I would never amount to anything because I'm too fat, too short... I'm tired.

Instead, I will start listening to God's voice telling me that I was and always am beautiful. That I didn't have to do anything but be myself because He loves me just the same. I want to see that. I want to feel beautiful. I want to break free from all of these chains.

I will be beginning the journey towards self-love and self-appreciation today. I will discover more about myself and realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful, I am talented, I am amazing, and I am wonderful. This journey will never be easy, but because I have God and my loved ones by my side, I will be able to overcome this.

I will come out of this victorious. You just wait and see.