A letter to myself.

Niki,

If really wala talaga, bakit ka umiiyak? Bakit ka nalulungkot, Niki?

Wala ka nga ba talagang nararamdaman?

O sadyang manhid ka nga talaga?

Of Unreciprocated Feelings.

I feel guilt, remorse, and sadness. No, I am not manhid, I can feel. I want so much to talk to you, to apologize but I guess now is not the right time because you do not want to talk to me. I can tell by the fact that you choose to stop contacting me.

I ask myself, "why are you feeling this much remorse over something you don't have any control over?" I don't know. Is it maybe because I feel so guilt because maybe you've been there longer and have constantly been a source of comfort and security and yet I chose him over you.

Or maybe there was a certain point of my life that I've loved you, or at least cared about you but it wasn't enough to last for a long time.

Or maybe I'm just being selfish and immature about this.

Still, even if you don't get to read this, I am sincerely sorry. Sobrang sorry. Nothing I say would take away the pain, but I humbly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm not manhid, I'm not a player, I cared.

(Taken from my Facebook account) Randomness intensified.

Before leaving for UST, I decided to share this:

1. I DON'T LIKE YOU. The mere fact that you replaced someone else is enough reason for it. And you're still bashing that person. What's wrong widchu?

2. With regards to BOTH your questions, I'm not having a hard time... RIGHT NOW. Maybe some time later I will be, but I'm just happy with where I stand right now.

3. I'm glad that the whole "we're strangers" hiatus is over. I hate the fact that we suddenly stopped becoming friends for months.

4. I know that our long overdue talk is in the process, but I'm glad things are clearing up. :)

5. I don't like what we have right now, seriously. Magkakaconflict lang tayo at ng isa pang tao. Tapos dagdag mo pa yung fact na medyo ehemm. Hahaha. Basta. I'm uneasy when I'm with you. I just don't show it.

6. I'm happy that we're soul sisters. Seriously. You're that person who can pick me up and pull me back on the ground when I need you too. I love yooou :)

7. I need to bond with you again. I miss our bonding sessions. Ang dami ko nang utang na kwento sayo. Tapos di na kita nakakasama. ARGH.

8. There's still a part of me that will always consider you as someone precious. You can't take that away from me because you will never know who you are.

9. We're not as close as we used to be, aren't we? It breaks my heart, though. I've lived my whole life treating you as part of the family, and now we're just drifting apart.

10. Sorry, I'm not interested in you anymore. Take a hint.

11. I'm happy that we're REALLY okay. Sure, we fight over petty things, but you're opening up to me. And that makes me happy, as if my purpose is fulfilled. Thank God for the camp :)

12. Your wisdom astounds me. I'm finally listening to your advice. And I'm happy that I am. Awesome.

13. Let me go.

14. I want this bond to grow stronger. I love that we're friends. I want us to be like siblings.

15. I miss yoooou. :(

16. Kahit anong gawin mo, kung hindi ka talaga para dun, walang mangyayari. Get over it and realize that it's not for you and it will never be for you.

17. You need to toughen up sometimes. Paano ka pakikinggan kung parati kang passive?

18. I've been there. Don't expect. And believe in everything that you see. TRUST ME.

19. No, I'm not looking for anyone right now. I've changed.

20. Naging crush kita dati. Promise. Kaso kasi suplado ka, kaya wag nalang. Sorry. hahaha.

21. Wag kang mapilit. Ayoko sa mapilit. What gives you the right eh magulang ko nga mismo di ganun?

22. Wag kang magexpect. Sadyang sweet lang ako sa lahat. ;)

23. I'm happy that you're happy. :)

24. I wish that we could just start over.

25. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words won't hurt me." Whoever said this was a liar.

26. Yes, I am random.

27. I need to find a job soon :|

28. I will always be your little princess no matter what happens.

29. Some people laugh at me when I say that I am seriously discerning single blessedness. Eh bakit ba? Kung yun yung gusto ni God para sakin, di ba? Why not?

30. I'm doing this not because I'm happy with it, but because I love you both.

31. I'm in no rush. Taking it slow is the best way to go.

32. Know where you stand when you speak. Wala ka sa lugar paminsan eh. Walang authority pa. Wag magmarunong. :)

Randomness.

1. I'm just happy that we're friends again. :) I thought that this streak of being strangers would stretch until forever. I WAS WRONG.

2. I'm not having a difficult time with the situation that I have right now. There may come a time that I have to choose, but right now I'm just enjoying both your companies.

3. Please let me go. Just let it go. We're not becoming better because of all of this.

4. I need to find a job soon.

5. I'm discerning single blessedness. SERIOUSLY. It's been on my mind from the camp until the vacation trip to Coron, Palawan.

6. You're not the same. I'm not the same. We're growing up and growing apart. It's tearing me to bits knowing that we're not as close as we were before.

7. Am I still your little princess? Guess not.

8. I want you back home. NOW. Please.

9. I have random bouts of jealousy.

10. YES, some of the numbers have subliminal messages. TAKE A HINT.

11. I need to start cleaning the house now. So I'm leaving.

Of Being Unemployed.

The pressure to find a job is being made more evident during the past few days since I don't have money to spend on any of my "lakads" with friends. Plus add the fact that we are sort of in a tight pinch right now.

But I don't know why I just can't seem to find the strength to get out of the house and go to job fairs or to just write my resume. I have such a big dream in mind and yet I can't find it in myself to just stand up and start acting on it.

Come to think of it, I've been lazy for the past few weeks. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to do anything that's too tedious or tiring. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Lord, grant me the grace to act on what You have planned for me.
Amen.

Of Being a Bum

Camp's tomorrow.

And I'm still a bum.

I want to find work. HONESTLY. But I just can't find the guts to apply for a job right now.

Of blessings.

Lord, I am blessed by You. :)

Everything can be counted...
...except the blessings showered by God.