Untitled.

Sometimes I just don't want to care as much as I do. To not make an effort to make you happy or see you. Or even dress up to look good when I see you.
Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my feelings when you disappoint me. When you distance yourself all of a sudden or when you don't make as much effort as before.
Sometimes I wish that I knew when enough is enough. That I knew when I should keep on fighting or if I should give up and let this go.

In spite of everything that has happened and that has been happening, I still come back. I still want to fight for this. I still keep on trying and trying and trying.

Even though it hurts more and more every single time.

After so long...

I need to let it out because I know I won't be able to finish any of my schoolwork unless I do. 

The past few months have been a roller coaster of highs and lows. I entered the new year, hopeful that maybe things would be a little bit better, but I guess God had different plans. 

I've become so weak, so needy, so afraid to be alone. This isn't who I am. I was this strong, resilient, brave woman who can withstand any trial. Now I'm just reduced to this small person who feels like she can never accomplish anything or do anything right. I've become so dependent on other people for me to feel my worth and value. 

This isn't who I am.

That's why I continue to fight. I will fight harder. I am struggling to get out of this dark cave I'm in, but I'm crawling, I'm trying to remember what it feels like to walk and be in the light. 

I know that God is allowing me to experience this because He has a huge plan for me. I trust Him, and I will fight. I am stronger than this. I will overcome this. 

Oras

I composed a song way back 2011. So far, I haven't tried again. But I am proud of this piece. This was actually dedicated to my ex-boyfriend, Adrian. 

https://soundcloud.com/yonikiyo/oras

Here are the lyrics: 

VERSE 1:

Nagpapaalam
Sa pag-ibig na dagling lumisan
Walang nangyari
Sa sumpaan na walang hanggan
Ang mga sulat
Pinalipad ko nalang sa langit
Mga litratong
Itatago ko nalang muli
CHORUS:

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi
Magpapaalam lang pala tayo muli
Ang pag-ibig na ito ay sadyang hindi na mangyayari
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Ang lahat ng ito ay tatalikuran ko

VERSE 2:

Ang pagsusuyo
Sa simula lang pala tutuparin
Mga pangakong
Wala ring mararating
Aking tiwala'y
Pinili mo nalang basagin
Ang aking puso'y
Pagod nang magmahal muli

CHORUS:

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi
Magpapaalam lang pala tayo muli
Ang pag-ibig na ito ay sadyang hindi na mangyayari
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Kaya sa saglit na ito
Kaya sa sandaling ito
Ang lahat ng ito ay tatalikuran ko