Insecurity.

Eats you up inside.
Brings you down.
Changes who you are.
Brings you down.

Stand up, friend, stand up.
Let go, and soar above those demons that are destroying you.
You can fly higher, you can achieve greater things.
Don't let it ruin you, don't let it ruin your potential.
Stand up, and soar.

Monster.

Monsters are horrible things. They possess practically everything ugly and everything that you are afraid of. They  represent darkness and will always suck the happiness dry from you.

People could turn into monsters too. Emotionally-drying monsters. Monsters that would scare you away, that you would never dream of befriending or going near to.

What if someone dear to you suddenly turned into a monster? A big, fat, possessive, emotion-eating monster? What would you do? Could you set that person free? Would you continue to love that person?

...or would you run away?

Christmas Rush

I was thinking of writing something related to Christmas since Christmas is only 4 days away, so here goes...

Christmas is about looking for gifts for the people you love.
Christmas is about you getting fatter from all the food you're about to eat during Christmas parties.
Christmas is about receiving gifts/money from loved ones and friends.
Christmas is about the awful traffic you're going to experience.
Christmas is about the sales.
Christmas is about spending more money on gifts, wrappers, ribbons, decorations, and Christmas party costumes...

...Is it really about these things? I beg to differ, really.

Christmas should be about giving, not only to the people you love, but also to the people who need love. Just like how Jesus came down from the earth and gave us not only unending love, but everlasting salvation, even though we didn't ask for it.
Christmas should be about spending time with your family, with your loved ones, the way that the Holy Family stuck together, no matter what happened.
Christmas should be centered on CHRIST. That's why it's named CHRISTmas in the first place: it is a celebration of how God came down from the earth to save mankind, which shows His unconditional love for us.
Christmas is about laying it down to Him, because He is in control. No matter what happens, or what has happened, He will always be in control, and He will definitely make things better.

I might start sounding like a priest giving his homily, but let's invite Christ, not just to His own birthday party, but also in our lives. Let Christmas be a reminder that God, in His love for us, sent His one and only Son to redeem us, and that we, in return, should also give ourselves to Him as a sign that we respond to His love.

Blah.

Questions. Secrets. Doubts. Uncertainties.

Nothing. Nonsense. Nowhere. No one.

Connection.

That's what we have.

We jive. We finish sentences for each other. We think similarly. We like almost the same things. We don't need to speak or say everything out loud. Even in silence, we are comfortable, we connect, we are one.

And this is the connection that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world.

Pretending.

Behave. Behaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave. NIKI, BEHAVE.

So okay, it's not really a blog post. It's made more for Twitter or something else. I want to be used to saying one-liners now, not wanting to explain that much or to be able to divulge that much information. If I were to say too much, it can be used against me. It can be misinterpreted, it can cause arguments. For once in a while in my life, I want to be secretive.

I want to be a great actress. I don't want people to know whether I'm sad or whether I'm happy. Sometimes, I want to hide.

Sometimes.

Questions on Emptiness

What does it feel like to be empty? To be emptied out? To feel nothing? To have nothing? To have nowhere to go to? To have no direction? To have nothing to give?

And then, how would you be able to complete yourself? How will you be able to pick up the pieces of your brokenness?

Just because.

Just because you randomly write poetry for me.
Just because you never fail to make me smile with your sweet words.
Just because you never fail to be there when I'm down and I feel like crap.
Just because you laugh with me about the silliest things.
Just because you can talk to me about anything and everything.
Just because you're totally honest with me.
Just because you love me for who I am.

Actually, it isn't just because. Everything you do for me is treasured and stored in my heart. No one has made me feel this special and loved. Thank you.

Minimalist.

I miss being able to say all that I have to say in a few sentences.

Of Intimate Conversations.

I'm the tambay sort of girl. I'll admit that I never really was fond of parties with tons of people all over the place. I'm the kind of girl who likes conversations with a couple of close friends over a cup of coffee or apple pie in a quiet place, rather than dancing in the middle of a noisy bar having "yeah" as an answer to every question that your dancing partner asks. No offense meant to those who love partying, it's just that being in a place smack full of people really isn't my cup of tea.

The thing is, I like intimate conversations more because it gives me another chance to know the other person more, to probably see another side of that same person. Plus, based on experience, I get to have very interesting conversations with friends that way. It can vary from funny, serious, deep, and shallow conversations, and I'd never get tired of listening and talking, because there grows a certain bond from all those conversations.

It also gives me that sense of connection, you know. And closeness that parties can't usually give, save for parties between close friends. It gives me that satisfaction of just being able to really be with that friend of mine. I don't know, I can't explain it. Intimate conversations with the people I love always never fail to make my day/week.

And let's just say that these are one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.

Of Meeting the Real Deal.

Regarding ideal guys and prince charming, I was always specific. You see, I had a list of requirements that my future beau had to have in order to attract my attention. And these were the following:

1. He has to have a good sense of humor, and he could make me laugh. Well, that wasn't such a difficult task, actually. Anyone could make me laugh, I think.
2. He has to be intelligent. As in MENSA-intelligent. My dad was, and in a sense, I wanted my dream guy to be that smart. You know, the type of guy who'd be able to solve any mathematical problem with ease. Or someone who could explain to me Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason without batting an eyelash. That kind of smart.
3. He definitely has to be musically inclined. In all actuality, in the entirety of my infatuation with guys, I rarely liked someone who wasn't musically inclined. The guy could either sing or play a good instrument or both.
4. He'd have to have a great set of pearly whites. Yes, for a time, this was a non-negotiable. If you didn't have straight teeth, I'd say good bye to you.
5. He'd have to be chinito. Yes, I have biases towards chinito guys.
6. He'd definitely have to be God-fearing above all else. You see, I grew up in a charismatic community that taught of loving God and serving Him with all your heart, so naturally, I'd look for someone who'd share the same sentiments as I do.
7. He'd have to have nice hands and feet. Fetish, I suppose.
8. He'd have to be sweet and understanding and caring.
9. He'd have to be a close friend of mine
10. Etc...

The list would go on and on. And for years, I religiously clung onto this list in the search for Mr. Right. And more often than not, I'd get disappointed with what I found because he'd lack one of the requirements mentioned and I'd drop him off like a hot potato. But if I found that "dream guy", I'd expect that he'd be "The One" and then get all heartbroken and bitter afterwards. Yes, I'm afraid it happened more than once.

And then, Adrian came into the picture. You see, Adrian has been a close friend of mine for 6 years. And we've through a lot of shit together. We've definitely shared our ups and downs, but never had I imagined that I would end up with him. I'd admit that before he was my friend, he was my crush (hekhek), but after all that "puppy love" died down, we became really good friends. I could proudly say that he was one of the selected few who really know who I am. And so, because of that tight bond that we shared, I shrugged any notion of romance between the both of us.

But I guess God had another plan in mind. Funny enough, around the same time that he admitted to me how he felt, I was starting to realize that I loved him too. And, obviously we're together. :) And, nope, he didn't meet all of the requirements in my said list. I realized that I didn't really care if he didn't have straight teeth, or if he's more adventurous than I am, or if we different perspectives on things because I love him for who he is, regardless of whatever standards I had back then. I know it may sound cheesy, but my "yes" to his question was also a "yes" to accepting the whole of him, perfections and imperfections.

It was a "yes" of choosing to love him even if there are days that it may seem impossible to love him.
It was a "yes" to loving him even if he's sometimes weirder than usual people. (peace)
It was a "yes" to seeing forever and choosing to see forever with him.

I see him as God's gift to me. And I can never be grateful enough that God gave Adrian as the person that I hope I share my entire life with.

Hi, people. Meet the real deal. :)

Of Boredom.

I am currently at work right now, trying to figure out what I could do to make it interesting. And I know that I shouldn't really be complaining because a load full of people would give anything to trade places with me, but the boredom honestly is getting to me. Isn't work supposed to be busy or something? And yet every single day, all I do is surf the internet, check on the social networks every now and then, and go down once in a while to pee. Spell BORING.

And I know I will eat these words one day, but I cannot wait for summer. Because summer is the busiest time in my area of work. I want to experience honestly working my arse off. Just once. KTHNXBAI.

Of Being A Sinner.

In this time and age, you would rarely find people who would stand up firm to their faith. I have nothing against them, in fact, I have some friends who do not believe in the existence of a Supreme Deity, but I love them just the same. I have to admit, though, that it is much more difficult to testify to God's love when people tell you how corny you are, and that sometimes you're a hypocrite for saying those things because you tend to stumble and well, give in to the pressure that your friends are giving you.

No, I am not washing my hands clean. I am a sinner. I was born into this world a sinner, and there is still this continuous struggle to avoid committing sin. I have fallen down a couple of times, and I've hurt a number of people with the things I've done and I've said. Most of the time, I tend to hurt my parents and my own siblings with my death glares and sharp words. I'm impatient. And the list can go on and on. Point is, I am not a perfect person. I am definitely not a saint.

And sometimes, I'd want to just away from it all. Life from the community, service, and God. I've tried, in all actuality, to just leave the community and go on be happy with my friends without having that nagging conscience of God being mad at you. But the funny thing was, there was a certain emptiness that I started to feel when I left. I'd be happy when I get home early in the morning, but when I am all alone, the emptiness would start to manifest itself to me, bothering me to no end. I've tried to ignore it a couple of times and tried to fill that void with something else. But it remained the same: I'll be happy for only a split second, then that void continues to nag at me. And I knew, deep inside of my soul, that only God can fill that void.

And so, to cut the long story short, I came back. And I was welcomed back with open arms. God is like that, you know? He isn't the God who would punish you for every single mistake that you commit. He will continuously welcome you back, no matter how many times you leave. As a matter of fact, He will continue to be there, looking out for you, keeping you safe. And even though you leave, He will continue to bless you and provide for you, like He has always done when you were in His presence. That's how much He loves us: endless, selfless, unconditional.

Hi, I'm Niki, and I am a sinner. And despite my sinfulness, I am a child of God, loved unconditionally. And I pray that one day, I will be able to love Him selflessly and show it in my words, my actions, and in my life.

Of Being Random.

Yes, I will be random again in this entry. I can't organize my thoughts properly, so I guess I'm going to enumerate them. Let's get started:

1. It's the first day of December, the last month of the year. And it got me thinking, you know, about the year that was. Of how during the first early months I felt desperation, defeat, stress, and then finally victory. Of how I struggled to look for a job, found one, then got rejected. Of how, for the first time in my life, I finally entered into a relationship. Of how, finally, I had a job that will help me fulfill my dream. Adrian told me that this year was a year of progress, and yes it was. This year was so memorable to me that I can't even put it into words properly (yes, I know that I'm starting to ramble again). And because of the best year that I've had, I'm starting to wonder what 2011 will hold for me. Whatever it is, I am definitely ready. :)
2. Sometimes, I still get that feeling of loneliness creeping in. But it isn't that dreadful feeling of being alone, truly alone. For me, it's that feeling of wanting to be by yourself, to just embrace you and discover more things about yourself that you've never experienced before. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes, I guess I really do prefer being alone. It doesn't bother me when I shop all alone, or if I go to certain places alone. I can get along just fine.
3. One of my many firsts this year was reaching out towards someone. Usually, if I know that I'm right, I wouldn't apologize, and I'd ignore that person. Kung ayaw mo, wag mo, basta wala akong ginawang masama sayo, at alam ko yun. In this certain situation, I still stand my ground: I haven't done anything wrong to that person. But given the circumstances, and maybe the misunderstanding that has happened, maybe I indirectly hurt her. So a few days ago, I mustered up all of my courage and decided to message her and tell her that I'm sorry if I've hurt her indirectly, and that I didn't mean to. You see, I meant it when I said that I treasured friendships. I hated the thought of being at war with a friend. It sucks, seriously. And this person was one of my considered friends. She replied, and I hope that maybe things would get better from there.
4. Being in a relationship can reveal so many things about yourself and your partner. Sometimes, being friends in the first place may not be enough to prepare you for the relationship. Yes, Tito Bo was right when he said that friendship is a solid foundation for a relationship, but things will change. In the same instance that you enter a relationship, there will be assumptions and expectations made; there will be issues, and certain tampuhan moments. And yes, sometimes, I'll admit that I can be pretty immature. But I realized that being in a relationship can also change you for the better. It has the power to give you more patience, more understanding, more love to give, and I am starting to sound real cheesy. My point is, this God-given relationship that I have with a blessing of mine has taught me and is continuing to teach me so many things. And, yes, it's making me grow into a better person. I hope that it has that same desired effect on him, though. Haha.

30 Niki Facts

Something I copied from Facebook:


1. Let's start off with my name. The name that my parents gave me is Alyssa Nicole Yokingco. Take note that my last name is spelled with a C-O, not a K-O. Alright? A lot of people get it wrong. Plus Alyssa is pronounced as "ali-sah", not "alay-sah". Alright? Most friends call me Niki. Single K, please take note of that. Kthnxbye. Haha. But some call me Niks, Nikita, Nikitita, etc.
2. I'm confused as what to earn for first: a car or my tuition fee for Graduate School...
3. ...which leads us to one of my ultimate dreams: to earn a doctorate degree in Philosophy and then teach Philosophy somewhere. Plus "Alyssa Nicole E. Yokingco, M.A., Ph.D" doesn't sound that bad, either. ;)
4. I'm sure most people know this, but did you know that Tito Bo was one of the main reasons that I took up Philosophy? I looked up to him, how he preached, and how he wrote, and thought that Philosophy could probably turn me into something like him one day. Well, I thought wrong.
5. If given the chance, though, I would love to take up Music as a second degree. I actually was planning to shift to that course after my first year in Philosophy, but a few friends told me not to push through because of some reasons that I'm afraid I can't divulge to you, dearest reader/tagged friend.
6.I love to sing. VERY MUCH SO. A day does not go by without me singing a full song. And yes, I still sing even though I've lost my voice. I sing pretty much everywhere. Hahaha.
7. I play the guitar... Well, not that much anymore. And I want to learn how to play the drums. BADLY. Anyone willing to teach me?
8. I love to write. Really. About the most random things. I like to jot down what I'm thinking about, or what I think about a certain topic or a certain issue just to continuously sharpen my mind. I'm not sure if writing likes me back, though.
9. I have perfectly straight teeth (according to a dentist/friend). Nope, I didn't really have braces for a period of my time. My mom just taught me a neat trick on how to make my teeth grow straight.
10. I have this unexplainable obsession over journals/notebooks. I buy more than what I need. I used to tell myself that it was because of my passion for writing (and me immediately filling up the journal) that I should every now and then buy a new one. But now I think I'm being just plain silly and magastos.
11. I love stars. Seriously. I would literally jump for joy if you gave me ANYTHING that had stars or maybe even a bottle of those paper folded stars *hint, hint*. That being said, I love pictures of the galaxy. I will continuously be amazed at how wonderful the universe is.
12. I have anger management issues. Seriously. Something so simple can instantly flare me up. Yes, it is one of my weaknesses: I am definitely not that patient, either. And, believe me, you wouldn't want to see me angry.
13. I don't know how to hold grudges. Seriously. It may seem like I will be eternally mad at you, but nope. Just leave me alone for a couple of minutes, then I'll be okay. But if you continue to press the issue and bug me, then sorry, you shall experience my wrath.
14. If you mean something to me, or if you are important to me, I will see to it that I will be there when you need me. That means our friendship is important to me and I hate seeing you sad or problematic. Capice?
15. THAT being said, I treasure my friendships. If I say you are my friend, I mean it. With every single cell of my body.
16. I have low tolerance for physical pain. Seriously. Sometimes, a gentle slap for you may mean hell for me. Oo na, ako na ang maarte. Che. I hate having check-ups and I definitely hate something being pushed into my skin. I am AFRAID of needles. There was a time that I almost fainted while I was being injected.
17. I am now officially a philosophy book hoarder. Recently, I had this thing about collecting philosophical readings so that I won't have to photocopy that much when I start going to Gradschool. If you're going to ask me if I actually read the things that I buy, well, let's just say that I'm trying (and apparently failing).
18. When I was 3, I was rushed to the hospital because I ate a piece of poison from the cockroach hotel. And I remember it all too vividly: I ate it because I thought it was a piece of chocolate cake. DON'T JUDGE ME. Hahaha.
19. I have thunder thighs (THERE, I SAID IT). And I got it from my father, obviously.
20. One thing that I would never say no to is chocolate.
21. There was actually one point in my life that I wanted to become a pre-school teacher. Actually, sometimes, I still want to be.
22. When I'm all alone at home, I dance. As in really dance. Well, actually, I still dance even though my mother's around. She finds it highly amusing. And it's not because I'm very good in dancing, it's actually because I look rather awkward and funny when I do.
23. Even though it may not seem like it, I would love to wear dresses. Deep inside, I can be really girly, too. Heh.
24. Another thing I can never say no to is ice cream. And just so you know, two of my favorite flavors are mint chocolate chip and vanilla. Give me a scoop and I will be your best friend for life.
25. I've always wanted to try a pixie cut. Unfortunately, though, because of my round face, I can't. It'll make me look like a chipmunk.
26. In my spare time (and let's just say that for now, I have a lot of it), I doodle. I doodle a lot, actually. But that doesn't mean that I'm not listening to what you have to say. It's just that I like to keep my hands busy.
27. I can be very moody. One minute I can be all, "tralalala I love you", and then the next I could be, "Please die." Blame the hormones.
28. I love chicken. Really. Kahit anong luto, basta manok, game ako. I also love salmon sashimi and Mcdo's french fries.
29. Most of the people already know this, I've been homeschooled for 4 years: from Grade 3 to Grade 6. No, it's not because I have some kind of disability. Homeschooling is not all about that. And well, let's just say I don't regret my parents's decision to homeschool me. Why? Because it's brought us closer to each other.
30. Lastly, the only dish that I've mastered is that natural tomato-based pasta. And I'm proud to say that my customers (i.e. my family and my boyfriend) are satisfied. Tee-hee.

Of Taking It Back.

Yes, I take it back.

Yes, I am not afraid anymore.

I was immature. Maybe because I was so caught up in thinking of myself, that I forgot that you have a say in all of this, that you can do something about it, about us. And that I should put my trust in you, in the strength that we both have to not make the worse happen.

I take it back and place firm trust in you.

In us.

Of Loneliness.

Loneliness tends to manifest itself in your most vulnerable moments: moments when you're alone, when all you're doing is typing a supposedly random blog entry when suddenly, out of nowhere, a big wave of loneliness hits you. And it hits you HARD. And obviously, it's hit me right now.

This has always been my greatest fear: to be alone even though you are in a sea of people. It's not just because wala kang kasama, it's more like kahit may kasama ka, mag-isa ka pa rin.. Na parang wala kang matakbuhan even though there are a lot of people more than willing to listen. It's like nobody knows how you feel, and even though you let it out, it still isn't enough.

I'm not trying to ask for sympathy. I'm not trying to look kawawa in front of other people's eyes. I know I'll be okay. It's just that sometimes, I can't just keep this inside of me. And this blog is my outlet, my escape.

Lord, shine Your light through my loneliness. Shatter this heavy feeling and work Your way in me.

Of a Little Something for a Certain Someone

I am going to warn those who hate cheesy letters/poems/entries/what have you because this entry is.

Actually, this is supposed to be a song of some sorts, but it keeps on sounding more like a letter rather than a song, so obviously, I FAILED BIG TIME. Hahaha. So here, it is.

Dear you,

I may not have the right words to say all the time, or I may not be able to make you smile every time that you start feeling like crap, but when all words fail, I am ready to listen. I will always be here for you, I always have been. And I'll continue to be, no matter what the circumstances are. If I fail to live up to this promise, slap me, please, because I can be a little bit out of it sometimes.

This is one of my many ways of showing you that I love you, and that I care. And I know that you know all of this already, but I just wanted to make sure by saying it over and over again. Even when you feel like no one else is there for you, I was, I am, and I will always be.

Alyssa Nicole Yokingco, M.A., Ph.D

...SOON. :)

Well... Maybe after, let's say, 10 years. HAHAHA.

Of a Getaway.

I know it sounds wrong to quote a Hilary Duff song, but hey, my blog, my thoughts, and yes, MY preference of quotable quotes:

Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain is
Drivin' me insane
This is more than I can take

YES. I need to get away. I need to just fly away somewhere. I'm sad, confused, and lost.

YES, I'm being emo. What do you care?

Of Getting a Job and Other Things.

I, after months of being unemployed, finally get a job. Actually, this job offer's been waiting for me for months, even before I graduated from college. And then the time came when we finally talked about this job offer. I can still remember it so vividly.

One Sunday after the Feast, Tito Bo and I decided that we should talk about my "job offer". He gave me a week to decide, but instead it took me 3 weeks to decide. And during our annual youth camp, I talked to Tito Bo said that I couldn't accept the job offer. But still, Tito Bo smiled and told me that he understood, and if all else fails, he'll still be willing to give me a job.

So months went by. And well, to cut the long story short, everything else failed. I've applied for so many jobs. Then got other job offers. But they were never the ones that I wanted. And in the end, I returned to my very first job offer. I remember my friends' reactions when they found out that I declined the job offer. I was being too picky, they said. A job offer like that rarely comes, and yet I still had the guts to say no. And now they laugh at me, telling me, "Dun ka din pala babalik". Yeah. But you know what? I am where God wants me to be. He has a purpose of why it took me so long to finally grab that opportunity, just like how long it took for Adrian and I to get together... but hey, that's another story. All that matters is that, I finally have a job, and yes, I'm finally at peace with this decision.

Of Cheesiness.

I found this in My Documents while I was cleaning up my computer. I was amazed (and still moved) by this letter. Never did I imagine that I could write something like this in my entire life... EVER. But then again, like most people, I write best when there's an outpour of emotions. So I decided to share this letter I wrote months back. I'm warning you, it's hella cheesy. I'm protecting this person's identity, because I don't want everybody to know for whom this letter is. Here it is:

Cheese.

Dear Brando,

I have to say goodbye. I am not doing this because I don't care about you anymore... In fact, it's because I do.

I need to distance myself from you. If I continue to talk to you, see you, and text you like I used to, nothing would change, we might as well have not said good bye. You need to let me go in order to grow.

If I continue to lead you on like this, I would be selfish and immature. I have to stick to my decision once and for all. I chose Fajardo over you, and because of this decision, you are now my friend. ONLY my friend.

I loved you, I chose to love you at one moment in my life and this good bye is in itself an act of love. I love you, that is why I need to say good bye. You need to grow from this experience.

I am not saying good bye forever, and I am not eradicating you from my life. I'm still here, standing by until we are both ready to enter this friendship again.

So good bye for now. I hope that everything goes well for you. I keep you in my prayers. 

Take care.
Niki  

Alone.

What's left to lose?

Nothing.

Nothing left to say, nothing left to do. Plain nothing.

Blabbering nonsense. Because there really isn't anything left to say. I'm being redundant because that's the only thing I know.

Nothing's left to lose. Nothing's left to gain.

Tampuhan.

I find it funny how one can say that they have been replaced by another person tapos magtatampo sila and yet they subconsciously (subconsciously nga ba?) push you away...

...now who has the right to feel bad?

Of Decisions and Burdens.

Some friends often come to me, telling me that they'd rather be an attendee than a servant. It always burned them out, they said. I couldn't understand them, though. Serving at the community for me was never a burden. In fact, I always looked forward to practices and Sundays where I could serve. I always gave my 100% to all the ministries that I served. I considered every ministry a blessing and a chance to give God that pay back that He deserves. Never did I imagine that there would come a day that I finally be saying that serving finally becomes a burden.

Yes, I am again temporarily jobless, and yes, there is nothing left for me to do except lessen my mother's worries by cleaning the house daily for her and to serve the community. And yes, I complain as if I have work and this service is an extra load to carry, but it feels like it is. It isn't a blessing anymore, it's a burden. I have to sacrifice so much. I miss out on having breakfast, mass, worship, and lunch with my parents. I miss out on being with them every Sunday. Instead of feeling extremely blessed and light, I feel so down and burdened. My mood only lightens when I see my parents walking in the session hall.

I ask God, "what do You want me to do next?" I don't know what He is trying to tell me right now. I don't know where He wants me to go. I remember Tito Bo telling me that God plants the desires deep within my heart... but my mother also told me that God sometimes leads us where we do not want to go. I honestly just want to let this service go and run into my parents's arms and hide. But, sige, Lord, Your will be done. If it is indeed Your will, lighten my load.

Amen.

Of Being Moody.

Topakin ako. Yes. VERY.

And, yes, I can't say anything else. I'm honestly pissed off right now. Don't talk to me.

Of God and Finding the Answer.

Yes, I need to have a picture of the book in the entry. I couldn't find a picture of it in the internet, so I'm improvising.

Recently, I finished George Gabriel's new book, and being the fangirl that I am, I wrote down the quotes which struck me the most. And yes, I'm going to share just one of the dozens of quotes that I have read. You've prolly read it since I put it up as a status on Facebook, but I believe that this simple phrase would shatter the people's common misconception about God.

"God speaks to us in a way that we can best understand." Yes, you heard me/him/whoever. God doesn't go twisted with all the complicated "signs" and what have you. He gives you the answer straight to your face. He plants the desire deep within your heart so that you wouldn't look far for the answer.

What I'm trying to say here is, why ask for a sign when God has already planted the answer deep within your heart? You just have to listen. :)

Of Taking the Leap.

I forgot since when, but I've always told myself that when one loves, she chooses to accept the person for who he is, regardless of the other's imperfections. And yes, I strongly continue to believe that to love is not solely an emotion, but it also a decision.

Discerning about him has made me think a lot about love lately. I continuously ask myself, "Am I honestly ready to take that leap of faith?"

Given the circumstances, I know more than my fair share about him (I also think that one only truly loves when she really knows who the person is. I think that that's already common knowledge since how could you decide the totality of the other person if you do not know who he is?) He has made it a point to tell me everything about him, and, yes, I am more than grateful for that. That is why I trust him enough to tell himself more about me.

But then a terrifying thought crosses my mind: what if taking that leap of faith would change things? I treasure our friendship more than anything else. I do not want 6 solid years of our friendship going down the drain.

My wish is that our relationship will be a continuation of our friendship. Yes, taking that leap of faith would definitely make a huge difference, but the friendship would continue to be there.

Of Missing Someone.

I miss Tito Bo. The old Tito Bo.

The one who'd call me "little princess".

The one who'd greet me warmly as if nothing has changed.

The one who'd text me and reply to my text messages with the same warmth of his hellos.

The one who greets me first before any of his "fans".

The one who'd willingly give me his time to listen to me speak about anything and everything.

I honestly do not know where that Tito Bo went. I considered him my second father for so long already that I can't even remember when it started. I don't even get to see him anymore because while he's giving talks at PICC, I'm serving at the Valle Verde Countryclub. This is maybe the reason why I envy the people who have Daddy O as their second father: because he has been constantly by their side, caring and being who a father should be. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt the way that Tito Bo has cared for me throughout the years, it's just that, I feel that he doesn't care that same way anymore.

Lord, am I being immature about this?
Or should I understand where he's coming from?

Of Being a Minimalist Writer and of an Awakening.

When other people write sensibly long entries, they make sense. They catch the reader's attention and have him hooked to whatever the entry is. I, on the other hand, bore the reader to death. I usually make more sense when I write shorter entries. If I exceed more than at least-I don't know-7 paragraphs, I notice that I'm rambling already and my entry starts to not make any sense.

Just a random realization.

The entry's mainly about the song Awakening by Chris Tomlin. Lately, I've been feeling spiritually dry. Like my heart for God has suddenly been put to sleep. To serve has sometimes made me feel like it is required, it doesn't come from my heart anymore...

...until I heard that song. And something within me just stirred. My eyes shed tears. I got goosebumps. I felt that God was trying to tell me, "Anak, I love you. I am not requiring you to do this all for Me. It's okay." And yes, I am now awake and more zealous than ever. Because He roused me from my sleep, and told me that He loved me, no matter what I do or who I become.

Like the rising sun that shines,
From the darkness comes a light,
I hear your voice and this is my awakening.

Of the Definition of Love.

Lately, I've been asking friends the question: "How do you know if you love someone already?"

Some gave the answer that if they are able to change themselves for that person, then they love that person already. Others would say that if they are able to selfless enough to give a part of them to that person, to be able to sacrifice something of themselves, that means that they love that person.

Then I asked myself, "How do I define love?" Is it feeling of fireworks whenever I am with someone? Or is it the feeling of flying high with just the thought of him? Is it love when my heart suddenly beats faster when I'm with him? Or is it love when I feel all the things that love songs talk about? I realized it was none of them.

To love is to be able to choose to love the person regardless of who he is. I remember Tito Bo saying, "You truly love when you fall out of love." And I've realized that it is indeed true.

Love is not about how long the sparks last or how fast your heart beats, it's about deciding to just love that person even though you see something in him/her that is not acceptable to your standards. It is to accept the totality of the said person.

It took me such a long time to realize this. Years ago, I was this girl who likes rushing into relationships, a girl who wants to have someone to be with. I was such an immature fool back then. Now that I know that to love is something more than just "feeling in love", there is no need to rush.

...

We're slowly drifting apart. I'm afraid. You've been constantly there for as long as I can remember and now we're drifting apart. Don't go. You're my second father, my confidant. Don't leave my side... Please.

I will be random all over again.

Yes, random.

1. I looked back on my previous blog entries and realized that I had a lot of grammatical errors. I fail. I can hear my mom saying, "I have failed." (she was/still is a writer and editor.) But hey, I'm human. Bear with me.

2. No, I couldn't care less if you found a replacement. Go ahead.

3. I want to start drawing and composing songs again. I miss being artsy fartsy.

4. I realized just yesterday that it was fun to just sit down at a book store and read for 2 straight hours. I know it's freeloading, but I didn't know what else to do.

5.I love to sing. As in REALLY love to sing. Everyday I sing. Anywhere. Seriously. It's my stress reliever.

6. I love the rain. Even when I go out. I love the breeze that rain brings. I love the nostalgic feeling that I get whenever it rains. Makes me want to go through my pile of junk (yes, I am a sentimental fool) and just reminisce.

7. I'd rather go blind than deaf. I can't live without music in my life.

8. Can't we just continue what we have started (and abruptly ended)? Stop pretending, I know you feel it too.

9. BLAH. The rain is making me all emo and sleepy.

...so I'll stop blogging. I'm probably boring all of you anyway. Haha.

Of temporarily being a bum.

Yes, you've heard me right. TEMPORARILY. I have 3 weeks to sleep late and go out wherever I want to. So what do I do with my free time?

1. I redo my thesis. Yes, I am THAT bored. I've started re-reading Otherwise than Being or Beyond Essence. I'm going to go back to UST to xerox the books that I've used for my thesis, and yes I am going to take this seriously. I hated myself for cramming because I knew that if I did my thesis earlier, it would've been well-written (even though Dr. Bolaños did call it an ingenious study, STILL).

2. I go out wherever I want to. Duh. What else am I supposed to do? Rot in the house? I go out with friends. And yes, I serve where I am needed. I sing for whoever needs me. I'm not trying to be a good shot to God, but hey, I love to sing.

3. I write nonsensical things. For example, this entry.

4. I spend all day in front of the computer. Like what I'm doing right now...

...well actually, I'm bored as hell. I want to watch Inception with someone. Any takers?

Of Unexplainable Moods

Did you ever get the feeling of immense sadness without knowing what the reason is? And it suddenly just hits you like a wave. A big fat wave of sadness out of nowhere.

I felt this pain and sadness all of a sudden. Like I've lost someone or I lost something dear to me. And all this morning, too. I cannot explain why the tears would just suddenly flow and why there is a heavy, unnerving feeling deep in my gut. What a great way to start a morning.

Hopefully, I find out why this is later on during the day.

Reminiscent (part 2)

Every now and then, I chance upon someone's profile in Facebook and then I reminisce about the memories that I've had with that person.

It's amazing how one simple date from the person's profile could bring back so many memories from your brain database.

And amazingly, those memories weren't the biggest events in my life. It wasn't during my graduation, during a big party, a big event.

It was when that person was simply there for me, or something as a memory of me laughing with that friend.

It'll always be the smallest things that count... as long as it's from the heart. :)

Rant.

...You can't expect me to do that thing right away when you talk to me like shit. So don't get all angry at me when you don't want the same thing being done to you.

You should thank me for even talking to you.

Of Being Treated like a One-year-old.

Seriously, mom and dad? I can go home how late I want to.

Can't stop me. HAHAHA.

Of Answered Prayers and Being Hopeful

I went to a job opportunity a while ago...

...it was a preschool.

But who cares? I love little children. And when my interviewer explained the school and its curriculum, I loved the school even more.

I'll be having my two week trial starting tomorrow. And I'm praying that God may work through me and I be accepted in this job. It has always been a dream of mine to be a teacher...

...and maybe, just maybe, God will want me to fulfill my lifelong dream. :)

Random phrases for random people. (Part 2)

1. I'm not talking to you because I just don't want to. Texting you 24/7 is annoying me like hell.

2. Yes, I still love you. I know you don't know that, but I don't care. I love you for you.

3. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE.

4. Thank you. I still need to bond with you more.

5. Sundays are SO INCOMPLETE without me saying hi or at least seeing you.

6. You wonder why we act like this. Go look at yourself first before wondering.

7. YES I HAVE MY PERIOD THAT'S WHY I'M NOT IN THE MOOD!

8. No, I don't like you. I just find you highly amusing.

9. I can't think of any decent catchy phrase that would compare to that bitchy one right over there.

10. I'm not talking to you because you annoy the shit out of me.

11. Just because I like texting you and I call you something different doesn't mean I like you. Get over yourself.

12. I don't like it when you speak shitty English.

Of Taking it SLOW.

Last Friday, I went to Feast Manila and listened to a talk which main essence was that one should not rush things. I reflected upon that simple phrase and realized that the reason why I've been regretting the decision I've made was because I rushed into it when I shouldn't have. I should've thought it over.

That's why the next time I make a life-changing decision, I'll make sure that I think it over first.

Slowly....

...but surely, I am saying good bye.

I'm not being fair, sweetest. I'm not being fair to you, to him, to us. I've made my choice and I must stick to it.

No more fickle-mindedness. No more selfishness. No more being unfair. I'm saying good bye to what was and I must now focus towards what is.

Of Missed Chances.

I wasn't able to attend the Passion Manila concert last night. My P160 ticket sat idly in the bottom of my purse as I continued to stare at it. I wanted so badly to come... But I couldn't.

I knew in the back of my mind that if I asked for permission, my dad would say no. And if I continued to press the issue, it would be a cause for argument. So instead of trying, I just sat back and moped around last night.

Then when I woke up this morning, a lot of my friends on Facebook who happened to attend the concert were putting up statuses saying that they were blessed. I had this sad and nagging feeling that I should've been there, that I should've tried to ask for permission. I wanted to blessed so badly that I've forgotten that God is not only there in Araneta in that Passion concert, but He is also present everywhere that I go.

I need not go to the Passion concert to experience His blessing. His love overflows in every simple thing around me. And I must not take that for granted. When I realized this, I felt an inner sense of relief and peace flow through me.

As for the Passion concert? There's always next next year. In God's perfect time, I'll be able to attend. :)

Just so you know....

...kahit sandali, pinili kong mahalin ka. Walang halong biro.

A letter to myself.

Niki,

If really wala talaga, bakit ka umiiyak? Bakit ka nalulungkot, Niki?

Wala ka nga ba talagang nararamdaman?

O sadyang manhid ka nga talaga?

Of Unreciprocated Feelings.

I feel guilt, remorse, and sadness. No, I am not manhid, I can feel. I want so much to talk to you, to apologize but I guess now is not the right time because you do not want to talk to me. I can tell by the fact that you choose to stop contacting me.

I ask myself, "why are you feeling this much remorse over something you don't have any control over?" I don't know. Is it maybe because I feel so guilt because maybe you've been there longer and have constantly been a source of comfort and security and yet I chose him over you.

Or maybe there was a certain point of my life that I've loved you, or at least cared about you but it wasn't enough to last for a long time.

Or maybe I'm just being selfish and immature about this.

Still, even if you don't get to read this, I am sincerely sorry. Sobrang sorry. Nothing I say would take away the pain, but I humbly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm not manhid, I'm not a player, I cared.

(Taken from my Facebook account) Randomness intensified.

Before leaving for UST, I decided to share this:

1. I DON'T LIKE YOU. The mere fact that you replaced someone else is enough reason for it. And you're still bashing that person. What's wrong widchu?

2. With regards to BOTH your questions, I'm not having a hard time... RIGHT NOW. Maybe some time later I will be, but I'm just happy with where I stand right now.

3. I'm glad that the whole "we're strangers" hiatus is over. I hate the fact that we suddenly stopped becoming friends for months.

4. I know that our long overdue talk is in the process, but I'm glad things are clearing up. :)

5. I don't like what we have right now, seriously. Magkakaconflict lang tayo at ng isa pang tao. Tapos dagdag mo pa yung fact na medyo ehemm. Hahaha. Basta. I'm uneasy when I'm with you. I just don't show it.

6. I'm happy that we're soul sisters. Seriously. You're that person who can pick me up and pull me back on the ground when I need you too. I love yooou :)

7. I need to bond with you again. I miss our bonding sessions. Ang dami ko nang utang na kwento sayo. Tapos di na kita nakakasama. ARGH.

8. There's still a part of me that will always consider you as someone precious. You can't take that away from me because you will never know who you are.

9. We're not as close as we used to be, aren't we? It breaks my heart, though. I've lived my whole life treating you as part of the family, and now we're just drifting apart.

10. Sorry, I'm not interested in you anymore. Take a hint.

11. I'm happy that we're REALLY okay. Sure, we fight over petty things, but you're opening up to me. And that makes me happy, as if my purpose is fulfilled. Thank God for the camp :)

12. Your wisdom astounds me. I'm finally listening to your advice. And I'm happy that I am. Awesome.

13. Let me go.

14. I want this bond to grow stronger. I love that we're friends. I want us to be like siblings.

15. I miss yoooou. :(

16. Kahit anong gawin mo, kung hindi ka talaga para dun, walang mangyayari. Get over it and realize that it's not for you and it will never be for you.

17. You need to toughen up sometimes. Paano ka pakikinggan kung parati kang passive?

18. I've been there. Don't expect. And believe in everything that you see. TRUST ME.

19. No, I'm not looking for anyone right now. I've changed.

20. Naging crush kita dati. Promise. Kaso kasi suplado ka, kaya wag nalang. Sorry. hahaha.

21. Wag kang mapilit. Ayoko sa mapilit. What gives you the right eh magulang ko nga mismo di ganun?

22. Wag kang magexpect. Sadyang sweet lang ako sa lahat. ;)

23. I'm happy that you're happy. :)

24. I wish that we could just start over.

25. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words won't hurt me." Whoever said this was a liar.

26. Yes, I am random.

27. I need to find a job soon :|

28. I will always be your little princess no matter what happens.

29. Some people laugh at me when I say that I am seriously discerning single blessedness. Eh bakit ba? Kung yun yung gusto ni God para sakin, di ba? Why not?

30. I'm doing this not because I'm happy with it, but because I love you both.

31. I'm in no rush. Taking it slow is the best way to go.

32. Know where you stand when you speak. Wala ka sa lugar paminsan eh. Walang authority pa. Wag magmarunong. :)

Randomness.

1. I'm just happy that we're friends again. :) I thought that this streak of being strangers would stretch until forever. I WAS WRONG.

2. I'm not having a difficult time with the situation that I have right now. There may come a time that I have to choose, but right now I'm just enjoying both your companies.

3. Please let me go. Just let it go. We're not becoming better because of all of this.

4. I need to find a job soon.

5. I'm discerning single blessedness. SERIOUSLY. It's been on my mind from the camp until the vacation trip to Coron, Palawan.

6. You're not the same. I'm not the same. We're growing up and growing apart. It's tearing me to bits knowing that we're not as close as we were before.

7. Am I still your little princess? Guess not.

8. I want you back home. NOW. Please.

9. I have random bouts of jealousy.

10. YES, some of the numbers have subliminal messages. TAKE A HINT.

11. I need to start cleaning the house now. So I'm leaving.

Of Being Unemployed.

The pressure to find a job is being made more evident during the past few days since I don't have money to spend on any of my "lakads" with friends. Plus add the fact that we are sort of in a tight pinch right now.

But I don't know why I just can't seem to find the strength to get out of the house and go to job fairs or to just write my resume. I have such a big dream in mind and yet I can't find it in myself to just stand up and start acting on it.

Come to think of it, I've been lazy for the past few weeks. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to do anything that's too tedious or tiring. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Lord, grant me the grace to act on what You have planned for me.
Amen.

Of Being a Bum

Camp's tomorrow.

And I'm still a bum.

I want to find work. HONESTLY. But I just can't find the guts to apply for a job right now.

Of blessings.

Lord, I am blessed by You. :)

Everything can be counted...
...except the blessings showered by God.

Of Escaping.

Maybe I just can't keep on escaping from reality anymore.

Of Being More Responsible

As another chapter of my life ends, I begin to ask myself, "what now? Where will I go?"

For the entire 4 years of my college life, everything seemed to be so certain, so planned, so organized. I was to go to school on these days, I have to read these readings for this subject, I was to have a quiz tomorrow, I have to pass this term paper on Friday. I was given this much money for my lunch, merienda, and dinner. Now what? I'm about to go to work but where? It's an entirely new beginning in an alien place.

It's getting out of my comfort zone again, to go towards the unknown. I'm afraid more than anything else. No more professors to tell me what to do and how to think, no more blockmates to share jokes with, no more parents to fetch me or give me baon. It'll be me, making my own decisions, making my own plans, making my own money (good-bye baon). It'll be me being more responsible.

And yet even when I'm afraid, I tell myself that everything will be alright and that everything will fall into its place. It always has. Even during my most trying time (thesis days), He has never failed to lift me up and put everything back into its place.

And now, as I enter a new chapter in my life, I am not afraid of the new responsibilities. Uncertain as they may be, I know Someone up there would guide my every step. So here I am, ready to take the leap. Let's go, Lord!

Of Petnames.

A friend teased me because of my previous entry, that I liked being called baby.

Well... From those two guys I like being called that. Actually for the first time I liked being called that. Because I swore to myself that I wouldn't allow any guy to call me baby.

I don't like petnames. Well, save for love. After love, that's it. I occasionally use dear for my friends. But I told myself that if my future boyfriend and I would have petnames, I'd like it to be as unique as my parents's nicknames to each other are (Tubby and Timmy. Tubby = taba while Timmy = timang>, or as cool as Sir Rey and his wife's pet names to each other (panget).

...although I occasionally enjoy the sweetness every once in a while. :) Because I am a very affectionate person. :)

Of Hoping Against All Odds

God,

I come before You right now.
Work through this mess that I am through. Please.
You did it once and I know that You will do it again.
Thank You for helping me make it this far.
Sana po until the end na to.

Thank You, Lord.
I love You.

Your child,
Niki

Of Being Called "Baby".

Before last night, the last time someone called me "baby" was late December of last year by someone who was then a very special part of my life but because of unforeseen circumstances (or maybe I was just pretending not to see it coming), we aren't really friends right now, but that's beside the point. What I wanted to talk about was last night.

I never really expected that that person would call me that. That person has always been phlegmatic in the text message replies that he has sent me (What's the point of hiding his true gender? I wouldn't emphasis on this pet name so much if it was from a girl). It was just surprising that he chose to say it to my face last night.

And I still feel giddy about it. I know, it's weird. But what do you expect? I have a crush on him. And having been called "baby" by your crush is something EPIC. :P

Of the Last Day

Please let it all be over soon.

I haven't studied for Ethics yet.
My thesis's revisions aren't done yet.

Lord, help me.

Of Patience.

I am seriously waiting for this week to end.

SERIOUSLY.

Of Secrets.

I lied.
Don't you realize he looks like you?

Of Papers.

I can't believe it's been taking me three days to do a paper. I usually get it done on time. And yet this time, I can't seem to think of anything decent to write.

Add to that the fact that the professor who has required the paper is the Dean of our college. And I'm two days behind schedule. &^@%#. :|

Of 3:00AM surprises and synthesis papers.

Our conversation was a pleasant surprise....







...and a very great addition to my synthesis paper in existentialism.

Thank you. :)
You just made my day :)

Of Sleepless Nights

Yes. I'm again deprived of sleep. Hell week. Finals.

I'm not done with the effin Phenomenology paper and I still have to study for Hermeneutics. What a crappy night.

Of Secrets.

I can't tell anybody how much I'm starting to like you too much...




...too much to the point that it's scaring even me. :|

Of Unexpected Outcomes (part 2).

Broken friendships restored.
Bonds strengthened.
New friendships forged.

4PHL, for 4 years, I've experienced so many things with you, shared my ups and downs with you, and I can't thank God enough for having giving me a block as great as you.

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU... ALWAYS. :)

Of Unexpected Outcomes.

"Your study is excellent; ingenious" -- Dr. Paolo Bolaños

This phrase has been on loop in my head for the past few hours. You see, the defense, MY defense was a while ago. And all the while I was thinking that I would bomb the defense, that my panel would find so many flaws in it that I would have to do a major revision.

But no. With God's amazing grace, I was able to elicit that kind of reaction from Dr. Paolo Bolaños. Amazing.

Thank You, Lord.
It's all from You. <3

Of Laziness.

Thesis defense tomorrow.

And yet here I am, blogging like I have nothing else better to do. I have a powerpoint presentation that I have to make, I have to read more about Levinas, and I have to just SLEEP.

But no, here I am, blogging.

I don't understand why, but for some reason, all that I feel is inner peace.

I hope that's a good sign.

Of Being Stoic.

After that hopelessness and despair that I felt last week, all I feel right now is... NOTHING.

I don't feel any happiness that I've finally finished my thesis.
I don't feel any panic because I have a paper due this Thursday and I haven't started on anything.
I don't feel any pity because my friend was depressed.
I don't feel any anxiety because one of my panelists on my defense is Dr. Paolo Bolaños, a notorious panelist who eats the philo students alive.
I don't feel any giddyness when someone suddenly sent me a message. (And that's a good thing.)
I just don't feel anything at all.

I know I should feel really bad... But I don't. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling. All I want to do is sleep and sleep.

Of pictures and forgetting.

Kapag nakikita ko picture natin, kahit gaano ka pa ka-gwapo, hindi talaga tayo bagay. Sayang. Hahaha. I know you have a crush on me. HAHAHA.

I erased your number on my phone. So that I wouldn't get tempted to say "I miss you" every time I pass by your name on my phonebook. I need to let this go. It's not healthy anymore.

Late Night Nostalgia.

Why is that when I don't want to see you and I finally made my mind up in letting you go that you suddenly appear out of nowhere?

I am so sorry that I had to bring it up. I just get so frustrated. Is this temptation or a challenge to test me whether I really mean what I say? But this time, trust me, I do. I've erased remnants of that person in my phone, after much debate with myself. So there.

Of the year that was.

While browsing through someone's pictures, I suddenly remembered that the very same day last year was probably the most stressful day in my life.

I remember all of the tears. That late night talk at the room then down at the faculty room, the SWDB scare (just because of a few pictures), then the picture (not stolen this time. HAHAHAHA) at the final exams.

I couldn't believe that it has been a year since that happened. Up until now, I never hear the end of the teasing and bantering and the two of us. But all's well, I suppose. From my side, at least.

I know you know who you are and I know that we're both busy on our theses. Good luck and... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! :))

Of reminiscing.

Sorry. I felt like I had to write about this person one last time before I finally let it all go. There's no point in crying over spilled milk, is there? So this will be the last time I'll be writing about that person. And then after that, I'mma promise never to write about him again.

I remember the first time I saw you. I found you attractive but you were a snob. I thought that you were so full of yourself because your demeanor was conveying that kind of thought. After seeing you, I concluded that I didn't like you and I didn't want to have anything to do with you.

But fate had its own plan. We met, surprisingly, through a friend that I grew close with just late last year. And it was funny because everything just started with watching a movie.

Then we'd text all day and try to see each other at least once a week. We grew close (or so I think we did. I don't know if you feel the same way), closer than I thought we would be. And I laughed at myself because this friendship that we had was a contradiction of what I have said years ago.

But something about this friendship wasn't right. I enjoyed what we had; I cherished it, but this thought continued to plague me, even in my dreams. I had this notion that I had to do something, that I had to SAY something. And listening to my instincts, I did.

What happened was that we grew apart. I don't know if it was from the awkwardness of the situation or because you just didn't see me as a friend anymore, I wouldn't know. We aren't talking anymore.

In a span of less than a month, we were strangers, we became acquaintances, we became close friends, we became acquaintances, and now we're becoming strangers towards each other. It's funny, isn't it? How such a small situation, how such a phrase could affect a relationship.

But I didn't regret what happened. I realized that maybe this wasn't the friendship that I thought it was. Or maybe there are just some people that aren't meant to be friends. I had fun. I've learned so many things from you. I've realized so many things about myself because of you. You were a teacher, in a way. And I would like to thank you for being there for me, even if it was only for a short period of time.

And so I end this entry, letter, whatever you wish to call it, with a thank you. Now we're back to being strangers and I'm not saddened because of that fact. At least now I know who you are and how it is to be your friend, even if it was only for a short time. So thank you.

Of the feeling of victory.

Wala lang.

I passed my thesis last night. And finished it. I felt so happy, so refreshed. I couldn't believe that I did it. FINALLY.

Thank you Lord. Just when I thought all hope was lost, You were always there to be my shining light. Thank You. I owe all my thanks to You. :)

Of Erasing the Last Entry.

Obviously I didn't erase the last entry. Why? Because I want to look back at all of it and laugh one day while saying to myself, "Sus. Matatapos mo rin pala e!"

I'm having much more hope that I could finish this by tonight. Please pray for me. Thank you :D

Giving up.

Lord, help me find hope in this situation.

I feel so hopeless right now. I'm nearing the point of giving up.

Please give me the wisdom and the strength to finish this.

Amen.

Of Missed Chances.

I saw your name online and I wanted to talk to you so bad. I wanted you to pacify my wrecked nerves, to be able to tell me that I'll be able to make it, and to assure me that everything's going to be fine.

But I opted not to talk to you. Why?

Because of that wretched thesis that is distancing me from you.

Of The Effects of Sleep Deprivation. (Part 2)

Sorry. Couldn't help it. Last picture regarding my sleep-deprivation. Thesis time. Next time.

Of Cramming and Citations.

I spent most of my evening last night reading Emmanuel Levinas's works, something I should have done a long time ago.

I was about to say how much I regret not reading earlier or not thinking about my thesis topic earlier but then again, what's the point in dwelling in the past? It won't do me any good if I keep on saying that I wish I could've done this, or I could've said that, or I shouldn't have said that. It's over. It has been written in stone. What's the point in regretting what was? Why not move on and do things better so that next time, there'll be no regrets?

That set aside, today's the last day of non-stop thesis making. As soon as I pass my final draft tomorrow and my class on Hermeneutics end, I'll sleep the WHOLE DAY. Nobody SHOULD WAKE ME UP. And then on Thursday, Imma start doing my paper on Phenomenology.

I apologize for the constant bringing up of someone in my previous blog entries. Late nights tend to do that to me. And really, it sucks because I can't get anything done because I start reminiscing on everything and anything that has happened. I promise that won't happen anymore. Haha. :)

Now I have to stop procrastinating and start on my thesis again. Next time.

Of The Effects of Sleep Deprivation.

I feel so ugly. And hopeless. Three Chapters to go and I can't think of anything to write. Crapshit.

P.S. I think I need to buy concealer. Any suggestions?

Of Panicking and Thesis Deadlines.

I can't believe I'm blogging when I'm supposed to be writing at 3 chapters tonight.

It's just that I can't think of anything else to write. There is this writer's block... and it's only on this stupid thesis.

I can think of so many things to write, things on life, love, and the like. But when you mention escape or the corporeality of being or il y a, I can't think of anything. My mind goes blank.

Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep. But then again, I can't afford to go to sleep right now. Not when I have 3 chapters due.

I need inspiration.

Crap I wish I did my thesis when we were still okay. That way, I would've been really inspired to write. Instead of being bombarded by memories of what was. Early morning nostalgia seriously sucks. What a distraction.

Of Thesis Deadlines and Sleepless Nights.

For the past three nights, I have been toiling for my thesis because the deadline (literally) is on the 17th. So basically, I have at least 3 days to finish my entire thesis or else I won't be able to graduate.

The best thing about this, though, is that I get to think on so many things.

Or is it really the best thing about staying up late?

Many things could enter one's minds, be it something so random like why people watch horror movies or like telling horror stories to something so painfully nostalgic that you can't help but to sigh and re-live that experience in your mind because you know that it'll never happen again in real life.

Jeez, talk about an emo entry on Valentine's day.

Speaking of which, I have a mantra for that day. And for the next, and the next, and yeah, you get the picture. If you know the song Testify by Avalon, you'll know that this mantra came from there:

"For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love." Makes sense, doesn't it?

Happy Hearts day, people (although I don't really give a care about this stupid day. Everyday should be love day. Or whatever. KTHNXBYE).

Of New Beginnings.

It is amazing how I am doing this in the middle of the panic session with my thesis. I have approximately 4 days to finish at least 3 chapters of my thesis and I tell you, a philosophical thesis, especially when it's about EMMANUEL LEVINAS, is not an easy task.

You might ask me, why the hell am I here when I'm supposed to slaving my ass off because I've rarely got a week to finish my thesis. Well, let me answer that question for you.

I wanted to take a break, to escape from all of this. No, this escape has nothing to do with Levinas's philosophy, for those of you who are familiar with his philosophy. I just wanted to get away from all of the stress. And considered that this is my first entry, I might as well make use of this place of escape.

Dear follower/s, welcome. It may seem as though my entries do not make any sense, but they will soon. All my rationality is being sucked dry by this stupid thesis. Later, people. Have to get back to work.