...but surely, I am saying good bye.
I'm not being fair, sweetest. I'm not being fair to you, to him, to us. I've made my choice and I must stick to it.
No more fickle-mindedness. No more selfishness. No more being unfair. I'm saying good bye to what was and I must now focus towards what is.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Of Missed Chances.
I wasn't able to attend the Passion Manila concert last night. My P160 ticket sat idly in the bottom of my purse as I continued to stare at it. I wanted so badly to come... But I couldn't.
I knew in the back of my mind that if I asked for permission, my dad would say no. And if I continued to press the issue, it would be a cause for argument. So instead of trying, I just sat back and moped around last night.
Then when I woke up this morning, a lot of my friends on Facebook who happened to attend the concert were putting up statuses saying that they were blessed. I had this sad and nagging feeling that I should've been there, that I should've tried to ask for permission. I wanted to blessed so badly that I've forgotten that God is not only there in Araneta in that Passion concert, but He is also present everywhere that I go.
I need not go to the Passion concert to experience His blessing. His love overflows in every simple thing around me. And I must not take that for granted. When I realized this, I felt an inner sense of relief and peace flow through me.
As for the Passion concert? There's always next next year. In God's perfect time, I'll be able to attend. :)
I knew in the back of my mind that if I asked for permission, my dad would say no. And if I continued to press the issue, it would be a cause for argument. So instead of trying, I just sat back and moped around last night.
Then when I woke up this morning, a lot of my friends on Facebook who happened to attend the concert were putting up statuses saying that they were blessed. I had this sad and nagging feeling that I should've been there, that I should've tried to ask for permission. I wanted to blessed so badly that I've forgotten that God is not only there in Araneta in that Passion concert, but He is also present everywhere that I go.
I need not go to the Passion concert to experience His blessing. His love overflows in every simple thing around me. And I must not take that for granted. When I realized this, I felt an inner sense of relief and peace flow through me.
As for the Passion concert? There's always next next year. In God's perfect time, I'll be able to attend. :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
A letter to myself.
Niki,
If really wala talaga, bakit ka umiiyak? Bakit ka nalulungkot, Niki?
Wala ka nga ba talagang nararamdaman?
O sadyang manhid ka nga talaga?
If really wala talaga, bakit ka umiiyak? Bakit ka nalulungkot, Niki?
Wala ka nga ba talagang nararamdaman?
O sadyang manhid ka nga talaga?
Of Unreciprocated Feelings.
I feel guilt, remorse, and sadness. No, I am not manhid, I can feel. I want so much to talk to you, to apologize but I guess now is not the right time because you do not want to talk to me. I can tell by the fact that you choose to stop contacting me.
I ask myself, "why are you feeling this much remorse over something you don't have any control over?" I don't know. Is it maybe because I feel so guilt because maybe you've been there longer and have constantly been a source of comfort and security and yet I chose him over you.
Or maybe there was a certain point of my life that I've loved you, or at least cared about you but it wasn't enough to last for a long time.
Or maybe I'm just being selfish and immature about this.
Still, even if you don't get to read this, I am sincerely sorry. Sobrang sorry. Nothing I say would take away the pain, but I humbly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm not manhid, I'm not a player, I cared.
I ask myself, "why are you feeling this much remorse over something you don't have any control over?" I don't know. Is it maybe because I feel so guilt because maybe you've been there longer and have constantly been a source of comfort and security and yet I chose him over you.
Or maybe there was a certain point of my life that I've loved you, or at least cared about you but it wasn't enough to last for a long time.
Or maybe I'm just being selfish and immature about this.
Still, even if you don't get to read this, I am sincerely sorry. Sobrang sorry. Nothing I say would take away the pain, but I humbly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm not manhid, I'm not a player, I cared.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
(Taken from my Facebook account) Randomness intensified.
Before leaving for UST, I decided to share this:
1. I DON'T LIKE YOU. The mere fact that you replaced someone else is enough reason for it. And you're still bashing that person. What's wrong widchu?
2. With regards to BOTH your questions, I'm not having a hard time... RIGHT NOW. Maybe some time later I will be, but I'm just happy with where I stand right now.
3. I'm glad that the whole "we're strangers" hiatus is over. I hate the fact that we suddenly stopped becoming friends for months.
4. I know that our long overdue talk is in the process, but I'm glad things are clearing up. :)
5. I don't like what we have right now, seriously. Magkakaconflict lang tayo at ng isa pang tao. Tapos dagdag mo pa yung fact na medyo ehemm. Hahaha. Basta. I'm uneasy when I'm with you. I just don't show it.
6. I'm happy that we're soul sisters. Seriously. You're that person who can pick me up and pull me back on the ground when I need you too. I love yooou :)
7. I need to bond with you again. I miss our bonding sessions. Ang dami ko nang utang na kwento sayo. Tapos di na kita nakakasama. ARGH.
8. There's still a part of me that will always consider you as someone precious. You can't take that away from me because you will never know who you are.
9. We're not as close as we used to be, aren't we? It breaks my heart, though. I've lived my whole life treating you as part of the family, and now we're just drifting apart.
10. Sorry, I'm not interested in you anymore. Take a hint.
11. I'm happy that we're REALLY okay. Sure, we fight over petty things, but you're opening up to me. And that makes me happy, as if my purpose is fulfilled. Thank God for the camp :)
12. Your wisdom astounds me. I'm finally listening to your advice. And I'm happy that I am. Awesome.
13. Let me go.
14. I want this bond to grow stronger. I love that we're friends. I want us to be like siblings.
15. I miss yoooou. :(
16. Kahit anong gawin mo, kung hindi ka talaga para dun, walang mangyayari. Get over it and realize that it's not for you and it will never be for you.
17. You need to toughen up sometimes. Paano ka pakikinggan kung parati kang passive?
18. I've been there. Don't expect. And believe in everything that you see. TRUST ME.
19. No, I'm not looking for anyone right now. I've changed.
20. Naging crush kita dati. Promise. Kaso kasi suplado ka, kaya wag nalang. Sorry. hahaha.
21. Wag kang mapilit. Ayoko sa mapilit. What gives you the right eh magulang ko nga mismo di ganun?
22. Wag kang magexpect. Sadyang sweet lang ako sa lahat. ;)
23. I'm happy that you're happy. :)
24. I wish that we could just start over.
25. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words won't hurt me." Whoever said this was a liar.
26. Yes, I am random.
27. I need to find a job soon :|
28. I will always be your little princess no matter what happens.
29. Some people laugh at me when I say that I am seriously discerning single blessedness. Eh bakit ba? Kung yun yung gusto ni God para sakin, di ba? Why not?
30. I'm doing this not because I'm happy with it, but because I love you both.
31. I'm in no rush. Taking it slow is the best way to go.
32. Know where you stand when you speak. Wala ka sa lugar paminsan eh. Walang authority pa. Wag magmarunong. :)
1. I DON'T LIKE YOU. The mere fact that you replaced someone else is enough reason for it. And you're still bashing that person. What's wrong widchu?
2. With regards to BOTH your questions, I'm not having a hard time... RIGHT NOW. Maybe some time later I will be, but I'm just happy with where I stand right now.
3. I'm glad that the whole "we're strangers" hiatus is over. I hate the fact that we suddenly stopped becoming friends for months.
4. I know that our long overdue talk is in the process, but I'm glad things are clearing up. :)
5. I don't like what we have right now, seriously. Magkakaconflict lang tayo at ng isa pang tao. Tapos dagdag mo pa yung fact na medyo ehemm. Hahaha. Basta. I'm uneasy when I'm with you. I just don't show it.
6. I'm happy that we're soul sisters. Seriously. You're that person who can pick me up and pull me back on the ground when I need you too. I love yooou :)
7. I need to bond with you again. I miss our bonding sessions. Ang dami ko nang utang na kwento sayo. Tapos di na kita nakakasama. ARGH.
8. There's still a part of me that will always consider you as someone precious. You can't take that away from me because you will never know who you are.
9. We're not as close as we used to be, aren't we? It breaks my heart, though. I've lived my whole life treating you as part of the family, and now we're just drifting apart.
10. Sorry, I'm not interested in you anymore. Take a hint.
11. I'm happy that we're REALLY okay. Sure, we fight over petty things, but you're opening up to me. And that makes me happy, as if my purpose is fulfilled. Thank God for the camp :)
12. Your wisdom astounds me. I'm finally listening to your advice. And I'm happy that I am. Awesome.
13. Let me go.
14. I want this bond to grow stronger. I love that we're friends. I want us to be like siblings.
15. I miss yoooou. :(
16. Kahit anong gawin mo, kung hindi ka talaga para dun, walang mangyayari. Get over it and realize that it's not for you and it will never be for you.
17. You need to toughen up sometimes. Paano ka pakikinggan kung parati kang passive?
18. I've been there. Don't expect. And believe in everything that you see. TRUST ME.
19. No, I'm not looking for anyone right now. I've changed.
20. Naging crush kita dati. Promise. Kaso kasi suplado ka, kaya wag nalang. Sorry. hahaha.
21. Wag kang mapilit. Ayoko sa mapilit. What gives you the right eh magulang ko nga mismo di ganun?
22. Wag kang magexpect. Sadyang sweet lang ako sa lahat. ;)
23. I'm happy that you're happy. :)
24. I wish that we could just start over.
25. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words won't hurt me." Whoever said this was a liar.
26. Yes, I am random.
27. I need to find a job soon :|
28. I will always be your little princess no matter what happens.
29. Some people laugh at me when I say that I am seriously discerning single blessedness. Eh bakit ba? Kung yun yung gusto ni God para sakin, di ba? Why not?
30. I'm doing this not because I'm happy with it, but because I love you both.
31. I'm in no rush. Taking it slow is the best way to go.
32. Know where you stand when you speak. Wala ka sa lugar paminsan eh. Walang authority pa. Wag magmarunong. :)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Randomness.
1. I'm just happy that we're friends again. :) I thought that this streak of being strangers would stretch until forever. I WAS WRONG.
2. I'm not having a difficult time with the situation that I have right now. There may come a time that I have to choose, but right now I'm just enjoying both your companies.
3. Please let me go. Just let it go. We're not becoming better because of all of this.
4. I need to find a job soon.
5. I'm discerning single blessedness. SERIOUSLY. It's been on my mind from the camp until the vacation trip to Coron, Palawan.
6. You're not the same. I'm not the same. We're growing up and growing apart. It's tearing me to bits knowing that we're not as close as we were before.
7. Am I still your little princess? Guess not.
8. I want you back home. NOW. Please.
9. I have random bouts of jealousy.
10. YES, some of the numbers have subliminal messages. TAKE A HINT.
11. I need to start cleaning the house now. So I'm leaving.
2. I'm not having a difficult time with the situation that I have right now. There may come a time that I have to choose, but right now I'm just enjoying both your companies.
3. Please let me go. Just let it go. We're not becoming better because of all of this.
4. I need to find a job soon.
5. I'm discerning single blessedness. SERIOUSLY. It's been on my mind from the camp until the vacation trip to Coron, Palawan.
6. You're not the same. I'm not the same. We're growing up and growing apart. It's tearing me to bits knowing that we're not as close as we were before.
7. Am I still your little princess? Guess not.
8. I want you back home. NOW. Please.
9. I have random bouts of jealousy.
10. YES, some of the numbers have subliminal messages. TAKE A HINT.
11. I need to start cleaning the house now. So I'm leaving.
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