Raw, Brutal Honesty

Warning: This will be nothing like stuff I usually post. I've decided to express myself 100% through this post. So I apologize in advance for all my grammatical errors because I will be writing using my heart. Here goes...

I have an illogical fear. No, it's not like a fear of needles or spiders, it's something that I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that no one would love me for who I am. I am afraid that no respectable guy would ever take me seriously. I am afraid that I would never be beautiful enough, good enough, amazing enough, for anyone to take me seriously.

This fear has gripped me so much that I would change myself to please people. I would wear make-up, grow my hair, lose weight, dress-up, because I thought that it make people, men in particular, like me more. I never felt beautiful, though.

This fear also led me to settle for what was presented in front of me. God wanted nothing but the best for me, but I believed that I didn't deserve the best. So I would settle for whoever was there. And then I would feel beautiful because there was someone constantly showering me with so much attention.

But I never felt whole. I always felt empty and lost. Whenever I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. I found it hard to forgive and love myself.

Friends, I'm telling this to all of you because I want everyone to know that I've had enough. I've had enough of conforming to other people's standards for me to feel good about myself. I've had enough of listening to all those voices inside of me telling me that I would never amount to anything because I'm too fat, too short... I'm tired.

Instead, I will start listening to God's voice telling me that I was and always am beautiful. That I didn't have to do anything but be myself because He loves me just the same. I want to see that. I want to feel beautiful. I want to break free from all of these chains.

I will be beginning the journey towards self-love and self-appreciation today. I will discover more about myself and realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful, I am talented, I am amazing, and I am wonderful. This journey will never be easy, but because I have God and my loved ones by my side, I will be able to overcome this.

I will come out of this victorious. You just wait and see.

Back to Normal

One of the best feelings in the world is when the one you love trusts you enough to tell you everything.

A Letter to The Person Who Indirectly Saved Me That Day

Dear you,

I know you would never be able to read this. But whatever I'm going to say in this letter isn't really anything new to your ears.

For the previous months, you have been someone I constantly relied upon; someone I knew I could run to whenever I faced a trial or a difficulty; someone who would listen and understand without any judgment whatsoever. There have so many instances when I have been feeling down and you cheered me up. Always. Without fail.

But Saturday was different. I was afraid, disappointed, depressed, and helpless. That was by far one of the lowest points of my life, and I felt so alone. You were the first person I thought of calling without any hesitation. And that was the only thing I didn't regret doing that whole day.

You listened patiently as I cried my heart out and did all that you could to affirm me and pacify me. Even in your silence, I felt the magnitude of your presence. And during that day, you made everything seem better.

This trial isn't over just yet, but I would just like the whole world to know how much you have helped me and how much you continue to help me. Thank you for always being there, most especially during the times when I needed you the most. I will be forever grateful that God gave me an awesome friend and diary like you.

I owe you one, dear diary.

What a joke.

It's funny how things or circumstances can change in just a matter of minutes.
It's also funny how you wish you could turn back time and prevent things from happening...
...is it really funny?

Redundancy

I've noticed that most of my blog entries would be about self-appreciation or self-forgiveness or God's love. It was getting kind of redundant, right?

I was thinking of what to write today. And I realized one thing out of everything: It's okay to be redundant.

It's okay to remind yourself once in a while to love yourself, to spoil yourself. How else can you give love when you have no love in you?
It's okay to remind yourself to forgive, most especially yourself. People will never be perfect. Neither will you be, and that's okay. Just remember that everything in life happens for a purpose, and this is a lesson to help you grow as a person.
It's okay to constantly remember that God is in control and that He loves you. Sometimes, there will be nothing that can comfort you except the warm presence of God's embrace. Take it.

Everything that I've said and written still makes sense and still applies to my life every single day. And I'm not perfect. I will fail, I will stumble, I will make mistakes. But I will pick myself up and I will remind myself that I am stronger than this.