Raw, Brutal Honesty

Warning: This will be nothing like stuff I usually post. I've decided to express myself 100% through this post. So I apologize in advance for all my grammatical errors because I will be writing using my heart. Here goes...

I have an illogical fear. No, it's not like a fear of needles or spiders, it's something that I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that no one would love me for who I am. I am afraid that no respectable guy would ever take me seriously. I am afraid that I would never be beautiful enough, good enough, amazing enough, for anyone to take me seriously.

This fear has gripped me so much that I would change myself to please people. I would wear make-up, grow my hair, lose weight, dress-up, because I thought that it make people, men in particular, like me more. I never felt beautiful, though.

This fear also led me to settle for what was presented in front of me. God wanted nothing but the best for me, but I believed that I didn't deserve the best. So I would settle for whoever was there. And then I would feel beautiful because there was someone constantly showering me with so much attention.

But I never felt whole. I always felt empty and lost. Whenever I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. I found it hard to forgive and love myself.

Friends, I'm telling this to all of you because I want everyone to know that I've had enough. I've had enough of conforming to other people's standards for me to feel good about myself. I've had enough of listening to all those voices inside of me telling me that I would never amount to anything because I'm too fat, too short... I'm tired.

Instead, I will start listening to God's voice telling me that I was and always am beautiful. That I didn't have to do anything but be myself because He loves me just the same. I want to see that. I want to feel beautiful. I want to break free from all of these chains.

I will be beginning the journey towards self-love and self-appreciation today. I will discover more about myself and realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful, I am talented, I am amazing, and I am wonderful. This journey will never be easy, but because I have God and my loved ones by my side, I will be able to overcome this.

I will come out of this victorious. You just wait and see.