Of Decisions and Burdens.

Some friends often come to me, telling me that they'd rather be an attendee than a servant. It always burned them out, they said. I couldn't understand them, though. Serving at the community for me was never a burden. In fact, I always looked forward to practices and Sundays where I could serve. I always gave my 100% to all the ministries that I served. I considered every ministry a blessing and a chance to give God that pay back that He deserves. Never did I imagine that there would come a day that I finally be saying that serving finally becomes a burden.

Yes, I am again temporarily jobless, and yes, there is nothing left for me to do except lessen my mother's worries by cleaning the house daily for her and to serve the community. And yes, I complain as if I have work and this service is an extra load to carry, but it feels like it is. It isn't a blessing anymore, it's a burden. I have to sacrifice so much. I miss out on having breakfast, mass, worship, and lunch with my parents. I miss out on being with them every Sunday. Instead of feeling extremely blessed and light, I feel so down and burdened. My mood only lightens when I see my parents walking in the session hall.

I ask God, "what do You want me to do next?" I don't know what He is trying to tell me right now. I don't know where He wants me to go. I remember Tito Bo telling me that God plants the desires deep within my heart... but my mother also told me that God sometimes leads us where we do not want to go. I honestly just want to let this service go and run into my parents's arms and hide. But, sige, Lord, Your will be done. If it is indeed Your will, lighten my load.

Amen.

Of Being Moody.

Topakin ako. Yes. VERY.

And, yes, I can't say anything else. I'm honestly pissed off right now. Don't talk to me.

Of God and Finding the Answer.

Yes, I need to have a picture of the book in the entry. I couldn't find a picture of it in the internet, so I'm improvising.

Recently, I finished George Gabriel's new book, and being the fangirl that I am, I wrote down the quotes which struck me the most. And yes, I'm going to share just one of the dozens of quotes that I have read. You've prolly read it since I put it up as a status on Facebook, but I believe that this simple phrase would shatter the people's common misconception about God.

"God speaks to us in a way that we can best understand." Yes, you heard me/him/whoever. God doesn't go twisted with all the complicated "signs" and what have you. He gives you the answer straight to your face. He plants the desire deep within your heart so that you wouldn't look far for the answer.

What I'm trying to say here is, why ask for a sign when God has already planted the answer deep within your heart? You just have to listen. :)

Of Taking the Leap.

I forgot since when, but I've always told myself that when one loves, she chooses to accept the person for who he is, regardless of the other's imperfections. And yes, I strongly continue to believe that to love is not solely an emotion, but it also a decision.

Discerning about him has made me think a lot about love lately. I continuously ask myself, "Am I honestly ready to take that leap of faith?"

Given the circumstances, I know more than my fair share about him (I also think that one only truly loves when she really knows who the person is. I think that that's already common knowledge since how could you decide the totality of the other person if you do not know who he is?) He has made it a point to tell me everything about him, and, yes, I am more than grateful for that. That is why I trust him enough to tell himself more about me.

But then a terrifying thought crosses my mind: what if taking that leap of faith would change things? I treasure our friendship more than anything else. I do not want 6 solid years of our friendship going down the drain.

My wish is that our relationship will be a continuation of our friendship. Yes, taking that leap of faith would definitely make a huge difference, but the friendship would continue to be there.

Of Missing Someone.

I miss Tito Bo. The old Tito Bo.

The one who'd call me "little princess".

The one who'd greet me warmly as if nothing has changed.

The one who'd text me and reply to my text messages with the same warmth of his hellos.

The one who greets me first before any of his "fans".

The one who'd willingly give me his time to listen to me speak about anything and everything.

I honestly do not know where that Tito Bo went. I considered him my second father for so long already that I can't even remember when it started. I don't even get to see him anymore because while he's giving talks at PICC, I'm serving at the Valle Verde Countryclub. This is maybe the reason why I envy the people who have Daddy O as their second father: because he has been constantly by their side, caring and being who a father should be. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt the way that Tito Bo has cared for me throughout the years, it's just that, I feel that he doesn't care that same way anymore.

Lord, am I being immature about this?
Or should I understand where he's coming from?

Of Being a Minimalist Writer and of an Awakening.

When other people write sensibly long entries, they make sense. They catch the reader's attention and have him hooked to whatever the entry is. I, on the other hand, bore the reader to death. I usually make more sense when I write shorter entries. If I exceed more than at least-I don't know-7 paragraphs, I notice that I'm rambling already and my entry starts to not make any sense.

Just a random realization.

The entry's mainly about the song Awakening by Chris Tomlin. Lately, I've been feeling spiritually dry. Like my heart for God has suddenly been put to sleep. To serve has sometimes made me feel like it is required, it doesn't come from my heart anymore...

...until I heard that song. And something within me just stirred. My eyes shed tears. I got goosebumps. I felt that God was trying to tell me, "Anak, I love you. I am not requiring you to do this all for Me. It's okay." And yes, I am now awake and more zealous than ever. Because He roused me from my sleep, and told me that He loved me, no matter what I do or who I become.

Like the rising sun that shines,
From the darkness comes a light,
I hear your voice and this is my awakening.