Insecurity.

Eats you up inside.
Brings you down.
Changes who you are.
Brings you down.

Stand up, friend, stand up.
Let go, and soar above those demons that are destroying you.
You can fly higher, you can achieve greater things.
Don't let it ruin you, don't let it ruin your potential.
Stand up, and soar.

Monster.

Monsters are horrible things. They possess practically everything ugly and everything that you are afraid of. They  represent darkness and will always suck the happiness dry from you.

People could turn into monsters too. Emotionally-drying monsters. Monsters that would scare you away, that you would never dream of befriending or going near to.

What if someone dear to you suddenly turned into a monster? A big, fat, possessive, emotion-eating monster? What would you do? Could you set that person free? Would you continue to love that person?

...or would you run away?

Christmas Rush

I was thinking of writing something related to Christmas since Christmas is only 4 days away, so here goes...

Christmas is about looking for gifts for the people you love.
Christmas is about you getting fatter from all the food you're about to eat during Christmas parties.
Christmas is about receiving gifts/money from loved ones and friends.
Christmas is about the awful traffic you're going to experience.
Christmas is about the sales.
Christmas is about spending more money on gifts, wrappers, ribbons, decorations, and Christmas party costumes...

...Is it really about these things? I beg to differ, really.

Christmas should be about giving, not only to the people you love, but also to the people who need love. Just like how Jesus came down from the earth and gave us not only unending love, but everlasting salvation, even though we didn't ask for it.
Christmas should be about spending time with your family, with your loved ones, the way that the Holy Family stuck together, no matter what happened.
Christmas should be centered on CHRIST. That's why it's named CHRISTmas in the first place: it is a celebration of how God came down from the earth to save mankind, which shows His unconditional love for us.
Christmas is about laying it down to Him, because He is in control. No matter what happens, or what has happened, He will always be in control, and He will definitely make things better.

I might start sounding like a priest giving his homily, but let's invite Christ, not just to His own birthday party, but also in our lives. Let Christmas be a reminder that God, in His love for us, sent His one and only Son to redeem us, and that we, in return, should also give ourselves to Him as a sign that we respond to His love.

Blah.

Questions. Secrets. Doubts. Uncertainties.

Nothing. Nonsense. Nowhere. No one.

Connection.

That's what we have.

We jive. We finish sentences for each other. We think similarly. We like almost the same things. We don't need to speak or say everything out loud. Even in silence, we are comfortable, we connect, we are one.

And this is the connection that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world.

Pretending.

Behave. Behaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave. NIKI, BEHAVE.

So okay, it's not really a blog post. It's made more for Twitter or something else. I want to be used to saying one-liners now, not wanting to explain that much or to be able to divulge that much information. If I were to say too much, it can be used against me. It can be misinterpreted, it can cause arguments. For once in a while in my life, I want to be secretive.

I want to be a great actress. I don't want people to know whether I'm sad or whether I'm happy. Sometimes, I want to hide.

Sometimes.

Questions on Emptiness

What does it feel like to be empty? To be emptied out? To feel nothing? To have nothing? To have nowhere to go to? To have no direction? To have nothing to give?

And then, how would you be able to complete yourself? How will you be able to pick up the pieces of your brokenness?

Just because.

Just because you randomly write poetry for me.
Just because you never fail to make me smile with your sweet words.
Just because you never fail to be there when I'm down and I feel like crap.
Just because you laugh with me about the silliest things.
Just because you can talk to me about anything and everything.
Just because you're totally honest with me.
Just because you love me for who I am.

Actually, it isn't just because. Everything you do for me is treasured and stored in my heart. No one has made me feel this special and loved. Thank you.

Minimalist.

I miss being able to say all that I have to say in a few sentences.

Of Intimate Conversations.

I'm the tambay sort of girl. I'll admit that I never really was fond of parties with tons of people all over the place. I'm the kind of girl who likes conversations with a couple of close friends over a cup of coffee or apple pie in a quiet place, rather than dancing in the middle of a noisy bar having "yeah" as an answer to every question that your dancing partner asks. No offense meant to those who love partying, it's just that being in a place smack full of people really isn't my cup of tea.

The thing is, I like intimate conversations more because it gives me another chance to know the other person more, to probably see another side of that same person. Plus, based on experience, I get to have very interesting conversations with friends that way. It can vary from funny, serious, deep, and shallow conversations, and I'd never get tired of listening and talking, because there grows a certain bond from all those conversations.

It also gives me that sense of connection, you know. And closeness that parties can't usually give, save for parties between close friends. It gives me that satisfaction of just being able to really be with that friend of mine. I don't know, I can't explain it. Intimate conversations with the people I love always never fail to make my day/week.

And let's just say that these are one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.

Of Meeting the Real Deal.

Regarding ideal guys and prince charming, I was always specific. You see, I had a list of requirements that my future beau had to have in order to attract my attention. And these were the following:

1. He has to have a good sense of humor, and he could make me laugh. Well, that wasn't such a difficult task, actually. Anyone could make me laugh, I think.
2. He has to be intelligent. As in MENSA-intelligent. My dad was, and in a sense, I wanted my dream guy to be that smart. You know, the type of guy who'd be able to solve any mathematical problem with ease. Or someone who could explain to me Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason without batting an eyelash. That kind of smart.
3. He definitely has to be musically inclined. In all actuality, in the entirety of my infatuation with guys, I rarely liked someone who wasn't musically inclined. The guy could either sing or play a good instrument or both.
4. He'd have to have a great set of pearly whites. Yes, for a time, this was a non-negotiable. If you didn't have straight teeth, I'd say good bye to you.
5. He'd have to be chinito. Yes, I have biases towards chinito guys.
6. He'd definitely have to be God-fearing above all else. You see, I grew up in a charismatic community that taught of loving God and serving Him with all your heart, so naturally, I'd look for someone who'd share the same sentiments as I do.
7. He'd have to have nice hands and feet. Fetish, I suppose.
8. He'd have to be sweet and understanding and caring.
9. He'd have to be a close friend of mine
10. Etc...

The list would go on and on. And for years, I religiously clung onto this list in the search for Mr. Right. And more often than not, I'd get disappointed with what I found because he'd lack one of the requirements mentioned and I'd drop him off like a hot potato. But if I found that "dream guy", I'd expect that he'd be "The One" and then get all heartbroken and bitter afterwards. Yes, I'm afraid it happened more than once.

And then, Adrian came into the picture. You see, Adrian has been a close friend of mine for 6 years. And we've through a lot of shit together. We've definitely shared our ups and downs, but never had I imagined that I would end up with him. I'd admit that before he was my friend, he was my crush (hekhek), but after all that "puppy love" died down, we became really good friends. I could proudly say that he was one of the selected few who really know who I am. And so, because of that tight bond that we shared, I shrugged any notion of romance between the both of us.

But I guess God had another plan in mind. Funny enough, around the same time that he admitted to me how he felt, I was starting to realize that I loved him too. And, obviously we're together. :) And, nope, he didn't meet all of the requirements in my said list. I realized that I didn't really care if he didn't have straight teeth, or if he's more adventurous than I am, or if we different perspectives on things because I love him for who he is, regardless of whatever standards I had back then. I know it may sound cheesy, but my "yes" to his question was also a "yes" to accepting the whole of him, perfections and imperfections.

It was a "yes" of choosing to love him even if there are days that it may seem impossible to love him.
It was a "yes" to loving him even if he's sometimes weirder than usual people. (peace)
It was a "yes" to seeing forever and choosing to see forever with him.

I see him as God's gift to me. And I can never be grateful enough that God gave Adrian as the person that I hope I share my entire life with.

Hi, people. Meet the real deal. :)

Of Boredom.

I am currently at work right now, trying to figure out what I could do to make it interesting. And I know that I shouldn't really be complaining because a load full of people would give anything to trade places with me, but the boredom honestly is getting to me. Isn't work supposed to be busy or something? And yet every single day, all I do is surf the internet, check on the social networks every now and then, and go down once in a while to pee. Spell BORING.

And I know I will eat these words one day, but I cannot wait for summer. Because summer is the busiest time in my area of work. I want to experience honestly working my arse off. Just once. KTHNXBAI.

Of Being A Sinner.

In this time and age, you would rarely find people who would stand up firm to their faith. I have nothing against them, in fact, I have some friends who do not believe in the existence of a Supreme Deity, but I love them just the same. I have to admit, though, that it is much more difficult to testify to God's love when people tell you how corny you are, and that sometimes you're a hypocrite for saying those things because you tend to stumble and well, give in to the pressure that your friends are giving you.

No, I am not washing my hands clean. I am a sinner. I was born into this world a sinner, and there is still this continuous struggle to avoid committing sin. I have fallen down a couple of times, and I've hurt a number of people with the things I've done and I've said. Most of the time, I tend to hurt my parents and my own siblings with my death glares and sharp words. I'm impatient. And the list can go on and on. Point is, I am not a perfect person. I am definitely not a saint.

And sometimes, I'd want to just away from it all. Life from the community, service, and God. I've tried, in all actuality, to just leave the community and go on be happy with my friends without having that nagging conscience of God being mad at you. But the funny thing was, there was a certain emptiness that I started to feel when I left. I'd be happy when I get home early in the morning, but when I am all alone, the emptiness would start to manifest itself to me, bothering me to no end. I've tried to ignore it a couple of times and tried to fill that void with something else. But it remained the same: I'll be happy for only a split second, then that void continues to nag at me. And I knew, deep inside of my soul, that only God can fill that void.

And so, to cut the long story short, I came back. And I was welcomed back with open arms. God is like that, you know? He isn't the God who would punish you for every single mistake that you commit. He will continuously welcome you back, no matter how many times you leave. As a matter of fact, He will continue to be there, looking out for you, keeping you safe. And even though you leave, He will continue to bless you and provide for you, like He has always done when you were in His presence. That's how much He loves us: endless, selfless, unconditional.

Hi, I'm Niki, and I am a sinner. And despite my sinfulness, I am a child of God, loved unconditionally. And I pray that one day, I will be able to love Him selflessly and show it in my words, my actions, and in my life.

Of Being Random.

Yes, I will be random again in this entry. I can't organize my thoughts properly, so I guess I'm going to enumerate them. Let's get started:

1. It's the first day of December, the last month of the year. And it got me thinking, you know, about the year that was. Of how during the first early months I felt desperation, defeat, stress, and then finally victory. Of how I struggled to look for a job, found one, then got rejected. Of how, for the first time in my life, I finally entered into a relationship. Of how, finally, I had a job that will help me fulfill my dream. Adrian told me that this year was a year of progress, and yes it was. This year was so memorable to me that I can't even put it into words properly (yes, I know that I'm starting to ramble again). And because of the best year that I've had, I'm starting to wonder what 2011 will hold for me. Whatever it is, I am definitely ready. :)
2. Sometimes, I still get that feeling of loneliness creeping in. But it isn't that dreadful feeling of being alone, truly alone. For me, it's that feeling of wanting to be by yourself, to just embrace you and discover more things about yourself that you've never experienced before. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes, I guess I really do prefer being alone. It doesn't bother me when I shop all alone, or if I go to certain places alone. I can get along just fine.
3. One of my many firsts this year was reaching out towards someone. Usually, if I know that I'm right, I wouldn't apologize, and I'd ignore that person. Kung ayaw mo, wag mo, basta wala akong ginawang masama sayo, at alam ko yun. In this certain situation, I still stand my ground: I haven't done anything wrong to that person. But given the circumstances, and maybe the misunderstanding that has happened, maybe I indirectly hurt her. So a few days ago, I mustered up all of my courage and decided to message her and tell her that I'm sorry if I've hurt her indirectly, and that I didn't mean to. You see, I meant it when I said that I treasured friendships. I hated the thought of being at war with a friend. It sucks, seriously. And this person was one of my considered friends. She replied, and I hope that maybe things would get better from there.
4. Being in a relationship can reveal so many things about yourself and your partner. Sometimes, being friends in the first place may not be enough to prepare you for the relationship. Yes, Tito Bo was right when he said that friendship is a solid foundation for a relationship, but things will change. In the same instance that you enter a relationship, there will be assumptions and expectations made; there will be issues, and certain tampuhan moments. And yes, sometimes, I'll admit that I can be pretty immature. But I realized that being in a relationship can also change you for the better. It has the power to give you more patience, more understanding, more love to give, and I am starting to sound real cheesy. My point is, this God-given relationship that I have with a blessing of mine has taught me and is continuing to teach me so many things. And, yes, it's making me grow into a better person. I hope that it has that same desired effect on him, though. Haha.