Thinking.

Thinking of understanding.
Thinking of hands.
Thinking of breakfast.
Thinking of apple pie.
Thinking of silence.
Thinking of deciding.

Of My Parents

I realized that I never wrote anything about my parents. Way to go, favorite daughter. (They actually have no choice because I'm their only daughter. Funny story. Anyway...)

Le Papa (Pathetic attempt at French, I know)

That's my dad. He never was the affectionate type. He rarely told me that he loves me. He doesn't hug me. For a time, I resented that. I thought he didn't love me and for a time we wouldn't get along. We fought about the simplest things.

But I realized that it didn't really make him less of a father. He just wasn't affectionate. But he loves me. He honestly does. There were times that I'd run to him when I'm down and he'd just listen to me. I remember him picking me up from school (there were days when my classes ended at 9pm) even though his office was a thousand miles away (I'm exaggerating. But Balintawak to España, Manila is kindov far away). There was also this one time that I got really sick with anemia and I couldn't get myself to go home alone, and he picked me up. Recently, I was undergoing something emotionally difficult, and I spent the previous night crying, he wordlessly took me to work. 

Mi Mama (fail Spanish)

My mom is who I call my first ever best friend. I ran to her whenever I cried over something/someone. I told her everything. And she'd listen. And give advice. She was always just a call away. If ever I felt down, I'd just text her, and she'll call me. Her voice always soothed me and assured me that everything will be alright. 

Unlike my dad, my mom's really affectionate. Whenever we'd go to the mall, I'd love to hold her hand and I'm not embarrassed to kiss her in public. Sometimes, I still on her lap (Sorry, feeling baby pa rin). I remember the most hurtful experience that I encountered, I called her up crying and she was crying with me. I knew she could feel my pain, too. 

These two people are my sources of strength. If some people get more pressured when their parents are watching their performances, I need them there. When I sang in front of 10,000 people, I was confident because I knew they were watching. They are my support group. I seriously don't know what to do without these people in my life. 

Yo mom and dad,

Everyday is better when you two are there to smile at me and tell me to continue fighting. Love you both.

Frustrating.

Why do you have to carry that burden all by yourself when there's someone clearly willing to carry that burden with you?
Why can't you see that there's someone willing to listen to you every single time that you want to just let loose?
Why can't you just trust me? 

I don't know what the reason behind all the walls between us is, but I'm here for you. I have and still am. And I don't know how many times I would have to say it until you get it, but if it takes telling you more than a million times before you get it, I'll say it again and again.

I'm always here. Don't you forget that.

Things I've Learned Before/During/After My Entrance Exam in Ateneo

1. I lost my math skills. *sob* Seriously, I used to love math way back in highschool and, not to boast, I got reasonably high grades. But I guess, because of the lack of practice (and 4 semesters of purely philosophical subjects), I found it difficult to answer certain math problems. I fail. /wrists.
2. It's not true that all of the rooms in Ateneo don't have airconditioning. (I wonder who I got that from, anyway)
3. Contrary to what I initially thought, I think I would be having batchmates my age in gradschool. I just hope they're in the same department.
   
4. (prepare for cheesiness) It actually feels nice that someone was there to send me off and give me parting words of, "Kaya mo yan!" Thanks, dearest. Even though you slept for only 2 hours, you still took time to go get lost with me at Ateneo.
5. Walking alone along Ateneo really feels good. Even in the rain. Especially after you feel like you've bombed the exam (Math drama). /wrists
6. Admittedly though, unlike my ACET exam, I didn't have a hard time with the vocabulary exam.  I realized that my vocabulary has expanded.
   
7. People still know how to thank someone, even if they're total strangers.
   
8. It feels good to exchange a smile with a complete stranger. And not in a creepy stalker-ish way.
   
9. I have great, supportive friends.
   
10. Apple pie after a nerve wracking exam is the best way to calm your nerves. 
11. I should've asked when the results are coming out. Fail. *facepalm
    

Of Being His Lover.

To the people who got so used to my short entries, I hate to disappoint you, but this one's a long one. Bear with me. I wrote this using my heart, and not my head.

And by "Him", I don't mean Adrian.

I've said this a million times before, I've literally grown up in the community (Light of Jesus) and thought that it was practically normal that everyone would raise up their hands while worshipping God, speak incomprehensible words, and sing with a passion that could beat performers. It felt natural to see God in a different light, meaning He was not the high and cold God, but that He was, in fact, similar to your father or your friend who you'd run to whenever you needed to blow off steam or cry yourself to sleep. In short, at a very young age, I loved God with all my heart and soul.

This feeling went on as I became a teenager and started serving God through our youth group. The passion has not died down, the fire to sing, dance, play the guitar for the Lord was so intense that I would enthusiastically say yes whenever they'd ask me if I was available to serve. The fire kept on burning bright...

...until earlier this year. I felt nothing. Whenever I'd sing at the Feast, it felt more like a responsibility to fulfill. It wasn't that exciting anymore. Every time I was assigned to sing, I would complain about the long hours at practice and how I would've rather spent time doing something else rather than tire myself with all these duties as a servant.

But it frustrated me. Why wasn't it just like before? I'd asked my co-servants who'd been in the community longer than I have and they tell me that it's natural, that they'd "find it weird when you still have the fire until now". I couldn't get it still. Why were they so fired up for God right now and I wasn't? I felt like I was committing a grave sin against God by not loving Him the same way I used to.

It was only now that I realize that my perspective of being God's lover was twisted. God didn't mind if sometimes I felt like I didn't want to love Him because it was too hard to be His daughter and servant. What mattered was that I still chose to love Him even when the fire's gone.

Think of it this way: it's like being in a steady relationship. There are days when all you want to do is cuddle and murmur sweet nothings in your boyfriend/girlfriend's ear, but there are also days when all you want to do is strangle the life out of them. Being with God requires commitment, to make a firm stand to love Him no matter how you feel or whether or not the fire is burning. It is to stay and continue serving even though you have so many doubts and anxieties and things you do not understand because you place firm hope and trust that in the end, God will always have your back.

That, all of that, came flooding to me as I was reminiscing about my various relationships with people dear to me. And the most overwhelming bit is that God, no matter how you feel about Him or no matter how many times you've turned you back on Him, will wait for you. He will be standing at the end, arms outstretched, waiting ever so patiently for you to run to Him, teary-eyed and exclaiming, "Father, I'm back home!"

Being His lover is no easy task. There are things that you don't understand, circumstances that would make you doubt whether or not He loves you, and people who will try to bring you down and turn you away from Him. But it is all worth it. Because time and time again, He has proven to me that He always has my back. He has never failed me and I don't think He will anytime soon.

Tito Bo

This guy right here beside is known to many as Bo Sanchez, lay preacher, writer, Feast builder, entrepreneur, etc. However, to me, he's Daddy, Ninong, or Tito Bo.

He has never failed by far to just be there for me. Whenever I feel like giving up, or when I'm desperate and lost, I just text him and he'll allot time for me, give me a call, and listen to me. 

It doesn't end there. Whenever we see each other, he'd always ask how I am, and sometimes we'd sit down and talk again. He never fails to show me that I'm like his daughter by being there constantly and without fail. He doesn't just listen because he needs to, he listens because he really CARES..

And so, Tito Bo, even though I don't think you can really read this, thank you. For listening to me, for making me laugh, for being there whenever I need someone to talk to. People say that fame changes a person. You proved them wrong by being there for me ever since. You are God's blessing to me. Thanks.