Of Being His Lover.

To the people who got so used to my short entries, I hate to disappoint you, but this one's a long one. Bear with me. I wrote this using my heart, and not my head.

And by "Him", I don't mean Adrian.

I've said this a million times before, I've literally grown up in the community (Light of Jesus) and thought that it was practically normal that everyone would raise up their hands while worshipping God, speak incomprehensible words, and sing with a passion that could beat performers. It felt natural to see God in a different light, meaning He was not the high and cold God, but that He was, in fact, similar to your father or your friend who you'd run to whenever you needed to blow off steam or cry yourself to sleep. In short, at a very young age, I loved God with all my heart and soul.

This feeling went on as I became a teenager and started serving God through our youth group. The passion has not died down, the fire to sing, dance, play the guitar for the Lord was so intense that I would enthusiastically say yes whenever they'd ask me if I was available to serve. The fire kept on burning bright...

...until earlier this year. I felt nothing. Whenever I'd sing at the Feast, it felt more like a responsibility to fulfill. It wasn't that exciting anymore. Every time I was assigned to sing, I would complain about the long hours at practice and how I would've rather spent time doing something else rather than tire myself with all these duties as a servant.

But it frustrated me. Why wasn't it just like before? I'd asked my co-servants who'd been in the community longer than I have and they tell me that it's natural, that they'd "find it weird when you still have the fire until now". I couldn't get it still. Why were they so fired up for God right now and I wasn't? I felt like I was committing a grave sin against God by not loving Him the same way I used to.

It was only now that I realize that my perspective of being God's lover was twisted. God didn't mind if sometimes I felt like I didn't want to love Him because it was too hard to be His daughter and servant. What mattered was that I still chose to love Him even when the fire's gone.

Think of it this way: it's like being in a steady relationship. There are days when all you want to do is cuddle and murmur sweet nothings in your boyfriend/girlfriend's ear, but there are also days when all you want to do is strangle the life out of them. Being with God requires commitment, to make a firm stand to love Him no matter how you feel or whether or not the fire is burning. It is to stay and continue serving even though you have so many doubts and anxieties and things you do not understand because you place firm hope and trust that in the end, God will always have your back.

That, all of that, came flooding to me as I was reminiscing about my various relationships with people dear to me. And the most overwhelming bit is that God, no matter how you feel about Him or no matter how many times you've turned you back on Him, will wait for you. He will be standing at the end, arms outstretched, waiting ever so patiently for you to run to Him, teary-eyed and exclaiming, "Father, I'm back home!"

Being His lover is no easy task. There are things that you don't understand, circumstances that would make you doubt whether or not He loves you, and people who will try to bring you down and turn you away from Him. But it is all worth it. Because time and time again, He has proven to me that He always has my back. He has never failed me and I don't think He will anytime soon.