Of Unexpected Outcomes (part 2).

Broken friendships restored.
Bonds strengthened.
New friendships forged.

4PHL, for 4 years, I've experienced so many things with you, shared my ups and downs with you, and I can't thank God enough for having giving me a block as great as you.

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU... ALWAYS. :)

Of Unexpected Outcomes.

"Your study is excellent; ingenious" -- Dr. Paolo Bolaños

This phrase has been on loop in my head for the past few hours. You see, the defense, MY defense was a while ago. And all the while I was thinking that I would bomb the defense, that my panel would find so many flaws in it that I would have to do a major revision.

But no. With God's amazing grace, I was able to elicit that kind of reaction from Dr. Paolo Bolaños. Amazing.

Thank You, Lord.
It's all from You. <3

Of Laziness.

Thesis defense tomorrow.

And yet here I am, blogging like I have nothing else better to do. I have a powerpoint presentation that I have to make, I have to read more about Levinas, and I have to just SLEEP.

But no, here I am, blogging.

I don't understand why, but for some reason, all that I feel is inner peace.

I hope that's a good sign.

Of Being Stoic.

After that hopelessness and despair that I felt last week, all I feel right now is... NOTHING.

I don't feel any happiness that I've finally finished my thesis.
I don't feel any panic because I have a paper due this Thursday and I haven't started on anything.
I don't feel any pity because my friend was depressed.
I don't feel any anxiety because one of my panelists on my defense is Dr. Paolo Bolaños, a notorious panelist who eats the philo students alive.
I don't feel any giddyness when someone suddenly sent me a message. (And that's a good thing.)
I just don't feel anything at all.

I know I should feel really bad... But I don't. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling. All I want to do is sleep and sleep.

Of pictures and forgetting.

Kapag nakikita ko picture natin, kahit gaano ka pa ka-gwapo, hindi talaga tayo bagay. Sayang. Hahaha. I know you have a crush on me. HAHAHA.

I erased your number on my phone. So that I wouldn't get tempted to say "I miss you" every time I pass by your name on my phonebook. I need to let this go. It's not healthy anymore.

Late Night Nostalgia.

Why is that when I don't want to see you and I finally made my mind up in letting you go that you suddenly appear out of nowhere?

I am so sorry that I had to bring it up. I just get so frustrated. Is this temptation or a challenge to test me whether I really mean what I say? But this time, trust me, I do. I've erased remnants of that person in my phone, after much debate with myself. So there.

Of the year that was.

While browsing through someone's pictures, I suddenly remembered that the very same day last year was probably the most stressful day in my life.

I remember all of the tears. That late night talk at the room then down at the faculty room, the SWDB scare (just because of a few pictures), then the picture (not stolen this time. HAHAHAHA) at the final exams.

I couldn't believe that it has been a year since that happened. Up until now, I never hear the end of the teasing and bantering and the two of us. But all's well, I suppose. From my side, at least.

I know you know who you are and I know that we're both busy on our theses. Good luck and... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! :))

Of reminiscing.

Sorry. I felt like I had to write about this person one last time before I finally let it all go. There's no point in crying over spilled milk, is there? So this will be the last time I'll be writing about that person. And then after that, I'mma promise never to write about him again.

I remember the first time I saw you. I found you attractive but you were a snob. I thought that you were so full of yourself because your demeanor was conveying that kind of thought. After seeing you, I concluded that I didn't like you and I didn't want to have anything to do with you.

But fate had its own plan. We met, surprisingly, through a friend that I grew close with just late last year. And it was funny because everything just started with watching a movie.

Then we'd text all day and try to see each other at least once a week. We grew close (or so I think we did. I don't know if you feel the same way), closer than I thought we would be. And I laughed at myself because this friendship that we had was a contradiction of what I have said years ago.

But something about this friendship wasn't right. I enjoyed what we had; I cherished it, but this thought continued to plague me, even in my dreams. I had this notion that I had to do something, that I had to SAY something. And listening to my instincts, I did.

What happened was that we grew apart. I don't know if it was from the awkwardness of the situation or because you just didn't see me as a friend anymore, I wouldn't know. We aren't talking anymore.

In a span of less than a month, we were strangers, we became acquaintances, we became close friends, we became acquaintances, and now we're becoming strangers towards each other. It's funny, isn't it? How such a small situation, how such a phrase could affect a relationship.

But I didn't regret what happened. I realized that maybe this wasn't the friendship that I thought it was. Or maybe there are just some people that aren't meant to be friends. I had fun. I've learned so many things from you. I've realized so many things about myself because of you. You were a teacher, in a way. And I would like to thank you for being there for me, even if it was only for a short period of time.

And so I end this entry, letter, whatever you wish to call it, with a thank you. Now we're back to being strangers and I'm not saddened because of that fact. At least now I know who you are and how it is to be your friend, even if it was only for a short time. So thank you.

Of the feeling of victory.

Wala lang.

I passed my thesis last night. And finished it. I felt so happy, so refreshed. I couldn't believe that I did it. FINALLY.

Thank you Lord. Just when I thought all hope was lost, You were always there to be my shining light. Thank You. I owe all my thanks to You. :)

Of Erasing the Last Entry.

Obviously I didn't erase the last entry. Why? Because I want to look back at all of it and laugh one day while saying to myself, "Sus. Matatapos mo rin pala e!"

I'm having much more hope that I could finish this by tonight. Please pray for me. Thank you :D

Giving up.

Lord, help me find hope in this situation.

I feel so hopeless right now. I'm nearing the point of giving up.

Please give me the wisdom and the strength to finish this.

Amen.

Of Missed Chances.

I saw your name online and I wanted to talk to you so bad. I wanted you to pacify my wrecked nerves, to be able to tell me that I'll be able to make it, and to assure me that everything's going to be fine.

But I opted not to talk to you. Why?

Because of that wretched thesis that is distancing me from you.

Of The Effects of Sleep Deprivation. (Part 2)

Sorry. Couldn't help it. Last picture regarding my sleep-deprivation. Thesis time. Next time.

Of Cramming and Citations.

I spent most of my evening last night reading Emmanuel Levinas's works, something I should have done a long time ago.

I was about to say how much I regret not reading earlier or not thinking about my thesis topic earlier but then again, what's the point in dwelling in the past? It won't do me any good if I keep on saying that I wish I could've done this, or I could've said that, or I shouldn't have said that. It's over. It has been written in stone. What's the point in regretting what was? Why not move on and do things better so that next time, there'll be no regrets?

That set aside, today's the last day of non-stop thesis making. As soon as I pass my final draft tomorrow and my class on Hermeneutics end, I'll sleep the WHOLE DAY. Nobody SHOULD WAKE ME UP. And then on Thursday, Imma start doing my paper on Phenomenology.

I apologize for the constant bringing up of someone in my previous blog entries. Late nights tend to do that to me. And really, it sucks because I can't get anything done because I start reminiscing on everything and anything that has happened. I promise that won't happen anymore. Haha. :)

Now I have to stop procrastinating and start on my thesis again. Next time.

Of The Effects of Sleep Deprivation.

I feel so ugly. And hopeless. Three Chapters to go and I can't think of anything to write. Crapshit.

P.S. I think I need to buy concealer. Any suggestions?

Of Panicking and Thesis Deadlines.

I can't believe I'm blogging when I'm supposed to be writing at 3 chapters tonight.

It's just that I can't think of anything else to write. There is this writer's block... and it's only on this stupid thesis.

I can think of so many things to write, things on life, love, and the like. But when you mention escape or the corporeality of being or il y a, I can't think of anything. My mind goes blank.

Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep. But then again, I can't afford to go to sleep right now. Not when I have 3 chapters due.

I need inspiration.

Crap I wish I did my thesis when we were still okay. That way, I would've been really inspired to write. Instead of being bombarded by memories of what was. Early morning nostalgia seriously sucks. What a distraction.

Of Thesis Deadlines and Sleepless Nights.

For the past three nights, I have been toiling for my thesis because the deadline (literally) is on the 17th. So basically, I have at least 3 days to finish my entire thesis or else I won't be able to graduate.

The best thing about this, though, is that I get to think on so many things.

Or is it really the best thing about staying up late?

Many things could enter one's minds, be it something so random like why people watch horror movies or like telling horror stories to something so painfully nostalgic that you can't help but to sigh and re-live that experience in your mind because you know that it'll never happen again in real life.

Jeez, talk about an emo entry on Valentine's day.

Speaking of which, I have a mantra for that day. And for the next, and the next, and yeah, you get the picture. If you know the song Testify by Avalon, you'll know that this mantra came from there:

"For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love." Makes sense, doesn't it?

Happy Hearts day, people (although I don't really give a care about this stupid day. Everyday should be love day. Or whatever. KTHNXBYE).

Of New Beginnings.

It is amazing how I am doing this in the middle of the panic session with my thesis. I have approximately 4 days to finish at least 3 chapters of my thesis and I tell you, a philosophical thesis, especially when it's about EMMANUEL LEVINAS, is not an easy task.

You might ask me, why the hell am I here when I'm supposed to slaving my ass off because I've rarely got a week to finish my thesis. Well, let me answer that question for you.

I wanted to take a break, to escape from all of this. No, this escape has nothing to do with Levinas's philosophy, for those of you who are familiar with his philosophy. I just wanted to get away from all of the stress. And considered that this is my first entry, I might as well make use of this place of escape.

Dear follower/s, welcome. It may seem as though my entries do not make any sense, but they will soon. All my rationality is being sucked dry by this stupid thesis. Later, people. Have to get back to work.