Last.

Today is the last day of the year 2012, and I did some backtracking on the events that have happened this year. There were some changes (big and small), some things didn't change at all, some people came, some people left, there were lessons learned from mistakes committed, and of course, I grew up.

I cannot sincerely say that I don't regret anything that I did this year. There were some what-ifs, like what if I did more in school or in work? Or what if I exerted more effort with regards to establishing relationships with friends and co-servants in the community? There were some "I wish I didn't do that" moments.

But I'd like to think that in the coming year, I will be given another chance to prove myself, to apply the lessons that I have learned from past mistakes, and to do the things that I wish I did during the earlier part of this year, which is also the reason why I cannot wait to start another chapter in my life this 2013.

So, to all the people who have my year 2012, thank you so much. You guys know who you specifically are. I wouldn't have gotten out of my rut if you guys weren't there.

Here's to another year of chances, challenges, opportunities, and blessings. Happy new year, guys! :)

Gone.

Delicate, like a spider's web.
I continue holding onto the few strands left.
I am desperate. I continue clinging to whatever I can grasp, but I feel it fleeting away, disintegrating into the wind.
Soon, there will be nothing but a ghost of your hand holding mine.
Soon, there will be nothing but memories of us stored in my mind.
And all of this, all of what we have, is gone.

Drunk.

They say that when you're drunk, that's when all your subconscious things come out. I actually agree with this.

I don't know scientifically what kind of effect being drunk has on a person, but I can totally say that a person becomes more honest (and brave) because of it. It can also be a time where one realizes so many things about themselves and about their feelings for someone.

Contrary to the fact that it makes someone forget, it actually makes someone realize so many things about themselves. It can also make a person remember so many painful memories.

I still don't see the use of getting drunk, though. If it can't make you forget, why be drunk at all?

Confusing.

Sometimes, I really, really like you and find myself imagining how much I'd care for you and love you if you were mine.
Sometimes, I think you're pretty stupid.
Sometimes, I can't imagine myself liking you and caring for you.
Sometimes, you're just a friend.
Sometimes, you're more than just my friend, but you're less than my lover.
Most of the time, though, I still think our relationship's like Nick Miller and Jess Day's: Confusing.

I'm so happy even though it looks like I'm picking my nose

Because I have nothing better to post. HAHAHA.

Daddy's Girl

My dad is probably the coolest (or weirdest) dad in the entire universe.

We like to have "interesting" conversations like:


Daddy: Nasa arneo na u?
Me: Malapit na po. Whyyyy?
Daddy: Hu u?
Me: What
Daddy: Hu s dis?
Me: Your daughter.
Daddy: Y?
Me: Why not?
Daddy: I don't know.
Me: Daddy, why are you so weeiiiird?

Or maybe have some "nice" pictures like this one right here:

He may not be the sweetest daddy in the world, but I know that I am a very spoiled daddy's girl.

He has always brought me to work and sometimes has braved traffic just to pick me up from work.

Holding his hand has always me secure (yes, we are both late bloomers)

He'd listen to my constant rambling whenever we are on our way home.

He'd make me laugh every single day.

If I needed sound advice, he'd always be ready to listen.

He has always replied with a "k" every time I'd tell him I love him, but it doesn't matter. His small gestures are enough for me to know that I am very much loved by him. 

And yes, I'm his little princess, as he is my king. :)

Kerygma Conference 2012

I actually have no words to describe how awesome the past weekend was and how blessed I've been through the people I served with, so I'm just going to upload pictures from random friends. These are the people who have blessed me tremendously with their service and zeal. Amazing.

With the Worship Stream team and emmanuelworship. Amazing people.

And again.

With hands-on the team of the BEST STREAM EVER. 

EXTREME.

Yep, that's me singing.

And of course, my crazy, crazy family. 

Nick and Jess

Picture taken from www.bloodyhells.tumblr.com

We are becoming more and more like Nick and Jess. I don't even know if you're aware that that is what's happening.

Different.

It saddens me how you've changed.
From someone so dear to me, you turned into a complete stranger.
What happened to that nice person that used to be my friend?
Since when did you become so lost?

Kilig.

Kilig is a tagalog word that is used to describe a feeling whenever you see your crush or someone you like. I don't know if giddiness is enough to describe it.

Kilig is an awesome feeling to have. It gives you a temporary high, an electric shock.

So why am I defining this to you right now?

Eh kinikilig ako ngayon. HAHA.

It's Okay

Sometimes you don't get what you want.
But it's okay.
Something better's on the way.
Sometimes things don't work your way.
But it's okay.
The failure makes way for something more amazing.
It's okay.

Give It Up

You need to know when to keep on trying and when you should give up. After all, how can the best person make their presence felt in your life when you've been too busy waiting for that one wrong person to take notice of you?

4,000

I opened my Blogger dashboard today and was astounded to find out that I had over 4000 pageviews since I started last 2010. Apparently, some people find this interesting... Or not.

So to those who've been reading my random thoughts, thank you. I started this blog just so that I could have an outlet for my feelings and now I'm glad that I get to share them with you, whoever you are.

So there. I haven't really been interesting lately, and I couldn't think of anything else to write about, so thanks for bearing with me even though I'm practically boring.

Girly girly girl girl

Sorry for the lack of an appropriate title. I've been to two weddings this year, and this entitles me a right to go dress up and be a girl.

I was never really a girly girl. I think that I got my father's sense of style: simple, no frills. He likes to go to work in a shirt and jeans. I practically dress up that way to work.

My mom, on the other hand, is a fashionista. She's updated with the latest trends, she knows what is stylish and what is gross to wear. So, yes, she's my stylist.

She took care of all these looks for me. Except the one in the middle frame. Who says I can't dress up? And I must admit, I'm starting to love dressing up, but I can't handle doing it all the time. The end. I thank you. Bow.

Obviously, my favorite pose.

Make You Feel My Love

So I tried to do another cover. 

Grateful.

You may never get the chance to read this, but I want to thank you for the comfort and feeling of safety that you have given me in only a few moments. I am very much grateful for that and for you. If you read this, I hope you realize that I am talking about you.

Someday...

Someday, someone will say all of these things to me. I don't know who he is and when he will come into my life, but I'll trust that he will come at the right time and at the right circumstances.

Sigh.

I never thought that I could feel this way for someone for so long.
I never thought that I could be like for someone.
I never thought that I could break my rules and beliefs for someone.
I hope you know that.

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

You know what this means and you know that this is for you.

Sacrifices.

Sometimes, you are called to sacrifice something important for a greater cause.
And yes, it hurts, but it will all make sense soon.
Stay strong.

For Good.

I let it all go.

All of the fear, anxiety, worry, and regret. 

All of the love and care that I want to give.

All the memories, both good and bad.

I let it all go and allow Him to take control.

I will move forward this time...

...for good.

What if?

Memories of your hand clasped tightly against mine.
Laughter.
Tight embraces.
Walking.
I love you's.
Food. Lots of food.
Scott Pilgrim. PS3.
Late night visits.
Arguments solved with ice cream.
Heads on shoulders.
Messages.
Breakfast.

All of these memories are becoming a blur. I try to find tangible proof that it did happen, that I wasn't dreaming about everything. What if?

Hey ü

Who knew that that one word could mean so much to me?

Parents

The past weekend, I was experiencing the brunt of my parents's temper. Looking back, I couldn't really blame them. The weekend was tiring for both of them.

But I admit that I was complaining and crying after they gave it to me. I started ranting to one of my friends on how they can't be that way to one of their co-servants, who they fondly call their second children. How is it that they could extend their patience with them, I said, while when it comes to me, they easily get agitated. I even ranted on Twitter on how I was my dad's favorite because he always saw my faults.

But then I realized through my friends that I was actually blessed that I have them both in my life. Some people wish that they were their parents because theirs either weren't present or don't really support them.

And they were right. Even though they did lose their temper from time to time, they were always there for me.

They always supported my decisions.
Their arms were always available for an embrace every time I couldn't hold back my tears.
They would take care of me when I get sick.
They were ready to give advice whenever I was confused.
Dinners would never be without laughter because of my dad's antics.
Heartbreaks didn't have to be so hard because mommy was there.
I didn't have to commute going to work because my dad would drop me off so that I'd be safe.
They'd both show me in many ways how much they love me and that I'm their favorite child (HAHA).

And to think I've hurt them so many times because of my shortcomings as a daughter. They never turned their back on me. And for that, I am grateful.

My parents are pretty amazing. I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world.

Someday...

At the right time, at the right place, and with the right person, love will happen.

Meanwhile, I'm going to make myself whole. So that when I finally meet the person that God has just for me, I'm ready.

I can't wait. :)

Artsy fartsy.

I am a frustrated photographer. It has been one of my dreams to own a manual SLR camera and shoot away. We actually have one at home but the flash is busted and film is expensive, so never mind.

Anyway, I've been shooting random things at the places I've been too or when traffic gets too boring. I used my Blackberry Curve 9300's camera and edited the pictures using the Molome app.

Since this is my blog, and you have no say on what I can and cannot post (hurr hurr), here they are:

Worth.

A few days ago, a friend and I were talking about exes and past loves. He then went on to remark that he wanted to punch the daylights out of someone who cheated on one of our friends. I asked him why he wanted to beat that person badly, and without blinking an eyelash, he replies, "kasi wala siyang kwenta." (because he's worthless)

That comment irked me. First of all, how could he call someone, or anyone for that matter, worthless? Nobody was born worthless. Everyone was born into this world for a GREAT purpose. As a matter of fact, everything was placed here in this world for a specific reason, whether it be a cockroach or a fly. It has a purpose.

If something as small as a cockroach has a purpose, what more a human being? People are precious, priceless, great treasures, AND EVERYBODY SHOULD REALIZE THAT. We were all born great, and we have potential to achieve great things in life.

So never look down on yourself or on anyone else. Each one of us is great and priceless. Never forget that.

You.

In 2009, I decided to put up a blog with you in mind. And 3 years after, I write this entry with you in mind.

I made this blog because I wanted to have an outlet for my feelings for you back then. I stopped writing about you because someone decided to follow my blog and I had to keep my feelings to myself. If I did write about you then, I tried to be really subtle.

I write about you again to release what I feel. I realized that I haven't really let out how I felt lately. This time though, this might be the boldest blog entry that I will ever make.

If you remember, I distanced myself from you because I wanted to really be okay when I'd get together with you. I didn't want to be unfair to you by giving you the second best version of myself. I wanted to heal from my past wounds and be complete in myself before finally committing to you.

I did not forget that promise. In fact, you always crossed my mind. I was always tempted to text you or give you a call, but I stopped myself because I told myself that I needed the time. I started reaching out to you after a month because I knew that I was ready to fulfill that promise I had made. I thought that what I chose to do would make whatever we had better.

Turns out I was wrong. It widened the distance, and I end up hurting you. I thought that what I did was better for the both of us, but as you put it, my decision to distance myself from you "destroyed" you. And you weren't able to forgive me until recently. Every single attempt to reach out was rejected, and I for a time resolved to give up and decided that it would have best if we just tried to forget that it ever happened.

Recently, however, we became okay. Not like before, but at least we're talking. And that's fine enough for me. Truth be told, I miss all the breakfast dates, all the sweet nothings, meaningful (and meaningless) conversations, I miss you. Maybe you're right, maybe we aren't really meant to be together after all. I'm sure you're very much happy with where you are right now. And even though I did not grab the opportunity while it was there, I'm happy with where I am right now as well.

I write this because I want you to know that I haven't forgotten. I don't think I'll forget it any time soon. BUT I am happy with where we both are at right now. Nothing just happens, and whether or not we are meant to be together, I'm happy I was given the chance to know what it feels like at such a short period of time. Thank you for everything.

Patience

It may take a whole lot of effort, but I'm more than willing to wait.
It's worth it, anyway. :)

Weddings

This is the first of many weddings that I will attend in the near future and probably also the first of many weddings that I will cry in.

This couple is a testimony of how love never fails. I pray for blessings for them and their soon-to-be family.

Rise Up, Philippines

Yesterday, the Philippines experienced rainfall which was more than the rainfall brought about by the typhoon Ondoy last 2009. Many various areas of Metro Manila are now submerged in floods, leaving many homeless. Last I heard, a few lives have been taken because of this monsoon.

I believe that the Filipinos are a tough race. We are resilient and we've been through so much seemingly hopeless situations but we rise up again, victorious and with that trademark optimism that could bring sunshine to the world. I know that we will emerge from this trial victorious. Wounded, yes, but victorious.

But we need your help. I am asking those who happen to chance upon this blog (if there are any people who do) to please help. Red Cross is currently accepting donations (you can find the ways to deposit here). If you want to volunteer, you can check out the lists here.

Most of all, please pray for our country. Pray that the monsoon winds would leave this country and stop affecting lives of many. Thank you so much.

"He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves." Psalms 107:29

Truth be told.

I miss you and I'm wondering how you are right now.
I wish I could still play Scott Pilgrim, eat apple pies, or walk miles with you.
But I don't regret what has happened. I know we're both happier with where we are both right now.
Better days are ahead.
And truth be told, I believe in that last statement more than anything else.

Growing Up

So last Saturday, I attended my very first bridal shower. Just a brief history, the bride and I have been friends for... 9 years. And we've witnessed each other's joys and heartbreaks. And now I can't believe that she's getting married within weeks.

While we were eating dinner, my friends and I were reminiscing on how we used to attend debut parties only, and now here we are, attending bridal showers and weddings. And I remember one of my friends saying, "we're not getting any younger".

And she's right. We're getting more mature. We're going to have more responsibilities, (probably) more problems, more financial concerns, etc. But I think along with it comes more grace, more wisdom, more joy, and more love.

We're not getting any younger, yes. But it doesn't mean we can't have anymore fun.

Bo Sanchez

Probably wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for him. Grateful.

Loving Life

Enlightened. Amazed. Freed. Blessed. Loved. 

Random things I want to say to random people.

I'll get to say some of these things soon enough. ;)

1. I love you guys. I may not go out with you as often as I'd like, but please believe me when I say that you guys as my second family. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today if it weren't for you guys. Blessed to have you in my life.
2. When I got into this, I thought that I would be mentoring over you, helping you, guiding you, etc. It surprised me when you were doing the same thing to my life, probably more than what I'm doing for you. You have blessed me so much and every time we meet and talk about everything, I feel so blessed and that I am learning so much from you, you, you, you, and you. I love you, bebes. :)
3. I always have fun when I'm with you. I'm hoping that this bond will grow deeper. 
4. Ikaw na Maid of Honor ko, ha? Tapos ako ang Best Man mo. :)
5. Happy crush is happy. :)
6. We've been friends for so long, and I am very thankful that you've been there for me, for both the good times and the bad. You do not judge me for my mistakes, but you see the beauty in me that I myself cannot see. You are my angels. Thank you. 
7. Thank you for not judging me and for being my friend in spite of all that has happened.
8. Thank you, I love you, and I'm sorry.
9. Somebody needs to get back here. Leave Canada and come back here. 
10. We're prolly never gonna be good friends, but still I am grateful that you taught me one important thing: to be humble.
11. You are, and always will be, my spiritual father. More than anything else.

Birthday Week

The past week was my birthday week, and I thank the people in making this year's birthday practically the best birthday I've had. I love you gais. Mwah mwah tsup tsup.

Simple joys.

I feel that it is always best when someone can find joy in the simplest of things. :)

Damage Control

Much has been said and done to take back and repair the damage that has caused our relationship.
We've hurt each other countless times for the past years that I don't think that it would be best to continue on pretending that we can go on with this friendship, or whatever this was, I don't know.
Let's just agree that it's best if we go on our separate ways rather than continue damaging ourselves by pretending that we can still be friends.

Love ♥

I will NEVER trade this for anything else.

No words.

There are no words to describe what has been happening to me lately. There were a number of highs, and a great number of lows.

All this time, though, I never felt God abandon me. That is why, as I continue to work on myself and rise up again, I know that I'm gonna get out of this alive and okay. Because our God is indeed faithful.

Fix You - Coldplay (Cover)

This song ministered to me during a time when I felt so lost, worthless, and unloved. I felt that God was singing this song for me.

And now, I am posting it in the hope that maybe, this song might minister to you the way it did to me. Be blessed.

:)

To the one who chose to be with me when the world decided to turn its back on me.
To the one who chose to help me pick up the broken pieces of myself.
To the one who was God's proof to me that I am special and I am loved.
To the one who never grew tired of listening to me.
To the one who was always there for me.

Thank you. Yes, this post is dedicated to you.

Champions of Christ

Champions of Christ, CC KO POrMa 2012

LOJY Pasig

Team Dekalibre

If I'm not mistaken, last year, we only had 5 camps. This year, we had a total of 7 camps. And it's amazing at how the youth continues to grow. I still remember the time when we only but a hand-full of servants, and we only held one youth camp a year. I am honored to be part of God's team for the youth. We are indeed the future of the church. 

Blessed tremendously. 

Random thoughts on love.

I've recently noticed that in falling in love, you'd tend to look for yourself in the other person, i.e. similarities in attitude, common interests, etc. I may not fully understand why we do that, maybe it's because we're finding more reasons to love that person more. But I'm sure about one thing: Once the similarities are found, and realize that maybe you don't have that much in common, but still you choose to stay and accept that and love that along with the similarities that made you fall in love with that person, that's when you truly love.

Footnote.

You were more than just a foot note.

Faces

It's a quarter to three and I'm still not sleepy. Everything around me is still.

Quiet. Peace. Tranquility.

More time to think, to reflect.

It's been a while since I did something like this. To just sit still and think while there's soft music playing in the background.

So many faces are flashing in my mind right now. Faces and memories attached to those faces.

There are some faces who were once an important part of my life, but like so many things before them, have come and left, but leaving an indelible mark on my mind and heart just the same.

There are some faces who I have seen just once in my entire lifetime and have sometimes wondered the what-ifs. What if I smiled at her? Would we become friends?

There are faces who are still very an important part of my life. Familiar faces who give me a warm, safe feeling. The faces who have never failed to be there and make me smile.

And then I see my own face. What do I see? I see confusion, sadness, a plethora of emotions.

I still strive to see myself through His eyes.

I'm tired.

Tired of constantly allowing my worth to depend on how much people love me.
Tired of allowing people inside and trusting them when they aren't really worth trusting.

I'm tired of people trampling down on me. It's time for me to shine. No more insecurities, no more demons. I will see myself through God's eyes again and move forward.

I don't need anybody to dictate my worth.

Obligatory (post) Valentine's Day Post

I've been dying to write something significant lately, but I haven't been able to get any inspiration. 

I did, however, chance upon this beautiful entry and this sparked the fire in me to write. 

My mind goes back to a few months back. I felt beaten up, broken, lost, and betrayed. I felt like I have lost everything. And in the process, I have hurt people. You know how it felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong? That's how I honestly felt like.

Exactly during that time, the youth servants were invited to a retreat. And there was this one activity where you were given silent time to talk to God. So I did what any self-respecting person would do: I loudly voiced out every thought that I had for God.

"God, I honestly don't know why I'm here. I've been trying to feel Your presence since the first day of the retreat, and I could not feel ANYTHING. Where are You when I need You, Lord? I am broken and I feel so worthless. I haven't done anything right. I've even hurt people because of what has been happening. I am nothing, Lord. I am nothing right, nothing whole. Why am I here? Why can't I feel You?" 

And then in the silence of the retreat house, I heard God speak to my heart through a song.

"Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones
And I WILL fix you"

And yes, I know you could tell that I started to cry my eyes out. But what I'm trying to say here is that you may feel like nobody could ever love you for you or that after all that you've given, still you weren't loved the way you deserve to be loved, BUT there is Someone who is willing to pick up the broken pieces and love you back to wholeness. Totally. Unconditionally. Selflessly.

Surrender what is broken and He will make it whole. No ifs, no buts. He'll love you just the same.

The same way He's been loving me and many others since the world began.