Safe Place

There will always be a place or a person who gives you the greatest amount of safety and comfort in their presence. Like when you need a breather, you just need to go there or be with that person, and you'll be okay. It could have been there all this time, but you chose to take it for granted, or you discover it unexpectedly.

I can't believe it took me years before I realized that my safe place was right in front of me all this time. Never leaving. Never failing. Constant. Unending.

Realization.

I need to write this down lest I forget about it...

I fell in love a year ago with someone who wasn't available. All the while, I thought that I loved him, because I gave him all of my time, effort, and understanding. I thought I loved him because I saw all of his weaknesses and flaws, but still I accepted all of that. I really thought I loved him more than anyone else had.

But I recently realized that I was selfish. I did all that I possibly could to get him to "love" me back. Whenever he'd come to me asking for advice, some of my advice would be towards my bias. I wanted to make him mine, even if it was wrong.

I think that real love is, yes, accepting the totality of the person and loving them regardless of who they are and they are not. But I believe it is also when you lead that person towards the right path, even if it will not entail your happiness. It would mean that you really care about that person. You love him because you genuinely do, and not just because you want them to fulfill a selfish desire in you.

Many would definitely disagree with me, I'm sure, but this is what I believe in. This is what I stand for. I've long accepted the fact that this mystery dude and I will never get back together, and I've learned my lesson from it. And I hope that the next time I love someone, it will be the right kind of love. No selfishness, no greediness. Only pure, genuine, unadulterated love.

Backsliding.

Sometimes, it's easier to go back to what is familiar, to what is your comfort zone. It's so easy to backslide to your past demons. It's so easy to go to back to relying on ther people for your happiness,

But deep inside, there will always be a longing for something greater; for something much more amazing. I forgot who said this, but it's true: nothing worth having comes easy. Whether it be your dreams, your ambitions, a specific person, etc. If it's worth having, you will strive for it.

And it is with this that I will continue to struggle; that I will contiue to push forward and love myself more. I will not settle for less; I will not go back to how I once was because I know that something greater is waiting for me. Because I know that God has a bigger and better plan for me; and even if it's something I cannot see right now, I will wait and continue to strive. Because I know that it will come soon.

Raw, Brutal Honesty

Warning: This will be nothing like stuff I usually post. I've decided to express myself 100% through this post. So I apologize in advance for all my grammatical errors because I will be writing using my heart. Here goes...

I have an illogical fear. No, it's not like a fear of needles or spiders, it's something that I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that no one would love me for who I am. I am afraid that no respectable guy would ever take me seriously. I am afraid that I would never be beautiful enough, good enough, amazing enough, for anyone to take me seriously.

This fear has gripped me so much that I would change myself to please people. I would wear make-up, grow my hair, lose weight, dress-up, because I thought that it make people, men in particular, like me more. I never felt beautiful, though.

This fear also led me to settle for what was presented in front of me. God wanted nothing but the best for me, but I believed that I didn't deserve the best. So I would settle for whoever was there. And then I would feel beautiful because there was someone constantly showering me with so much attention.

But I never felt whole. I always felt empty and lost. Whenever I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. I found it hard to forgive and love myself.

Friends, I'm telling this to all of you because I want everyone to know that I've had enough. I've had enough of conforming to other people's standards for me to feel good about myself. I've had enough of listening to all those voices inside of me telling me that I would never amount to anything because I'm too fat, too short... I'm tired.

Instead, I will start listening to God's voice telling me that I was and always am beautiful. That I didn't have to do anything but be myself because He loves me just the same. I want to see that. I want to feel beautiful. I want to break free from all of these chains.

I will be beginning the journey towards self-love and self-appreciation today. I will discover more about myself and realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful, I am talented, I am amazing, and I am wonderful. This journey will never be easy, but because I have God and my loved ones by my side, I will be able to overcome this.

I will come out of this victorious. You just wait and see.

Back to Normal

One of the best feelings in the world is when the one you love trusts you enough to tell you everything.

A Letter to The Person Who Indirectly Saved Me That Day

Dear you,

I know you would never be able to read this. But whatever I'm going to say in this letter isn't really anything new to your ears.

For the previous months, you have been someone I constantly relied upon; someone I knew I could run to whenever I faced a trial or a difficulty; someone who would listen and understand without any judgment whatsoever. There have so many instances when I have been feeling down and you cheered me up. Always. Without fail.

But Saturday was different. I was afraid, disappointed, depressed, and helpless. That was by far one of the lowest points of my life, and I felt so alone. You were the first person I thought of calling without any hesitation. And that was the only thing I didn't regret doing that whole day.

You listened patiently as I cried my heart out and did all that you could to affirm me and pacify me. Even in your silence, I felt the magnitude of your presence. And during that day, you made everything seem better.

This trial isn't over just yet, but I would just like the whole world to know how much you have helped me and how much you continue to help me. Thank you for always being there, most especially during the times when I needed you the most. I will be forever grateful that God gave me an awesome friend and diary like you.

I owe you one, dear diary.

What a joke.

It's funny how things or circumstances can change in just a matter of minutes.
It's also funny how you wish you could turn back time and prevent things from happening...
...is it really funny?

Redundancy

I've noticed that most of my blog entries would be about self-appreciation or self-forgiveness or God's love. It was getting kind of redundant, right?

I was thinking of what to write today. And I realized one thing out of everything: It's okay to be redundant.

It's okay to remind yourself once in a while to love yourself, to spoil yourself. How else can you give love when you have no love in you?
It's okay to remind yourself to forgive, most especially yourself. People will never be perfect. Neither will you be, and that's okay. Just remember that everything in life happens for a purpose, and this is a lesson to help you grow as a person.
It's okay to constantly remember that God is in control and that He loves you. Sometimes, there will be nothing that can comfort you except the warm presence of God's embrace. Take it.

Everything that I've said and written still makes sense and still applies to my life every single day. And I'm not perfect. I will fail, I will stumble, I will make mistakes. But I will pick myself up and I will remind myself that I am stronger than this.

The Things That Matter

picture from http://followandreblog.tumblr.com

I was just musing about the One that God has reserved for me and I realized that the things that I wanted were simple, but they were true. 

I want someone who loves God more than he loves me. I want someone who'll tell me that he wants God to be in the center of our relationship. 

I want someone who was willing to listen to everything that I have to say. And not just listen, but to listen attentively and enthusiastically. And after he's heard everything and known everything about me, he won't judge me. Instead, he'll accept me and help me change for the better. Operating term is HELP.

I want someone who can make me laugh, no matter how corny the joke is. 

I also want someone who'd be willing to bare everything to me, someone who'll trust me enough to tell me everything about themselves. 

And then after all the buzz and the kilig vibes have died down, instead, there is comfortable silence. There is mutual understanding that we are in it for the long run. I want to be able to be myself around him. I want him to be himself when he's around me.

I want something that is real, that is true. I don't want a man who just wants to hold my hand or kiss me. I want someone who'll last even when the passion has burned down. I want someone who's willing to decide to love me every single day, no matter what. 

And I trust that God will be able to grant me that prayer soon. 

Maybe.

Maybe if you tried hard enough, you'll make it.
Maybe if you did your best, you'll win.
Maybe if you gave your all, you'll succeed.
Operating term is MAYBE.

Of Changes (superficial ones)

Late last year, I talked about how I was starting to love dressing up but was too lazy to make it into a habit. Well, this year, I decided to grow up and finally be a lady (HUHUHU). I sometimes use make-up, even.

I remember a friend commenting on how nice I've been looking and if I was in love (because me dressing up was a rare occasion). I told them that I just wanted to feel good about themselves. Who doesn't want to be complimented and told about how nice they look? No one. I rest my case.

But seriously, though. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty and amazing, even if I've gained weight. I want the world to know that I know that I am beautiful. I guess it has something to do with my self-esteem.

Yes, I'm in love... WITH MYSELF. Take that, anonymous friend.

All pictures taken at different dates. I thank you, bow.

8 months.

So it's been 8 months since I last passed by this blog and wrote something significant (significance is relative). I've actually not blogged during that whole period, save for the time when I had to put up a blog for one of my MA classes. And that does not count because I hated having to write an entry every week on that fundamental question that I was supposed to answer by the end of that semester. Anyway...

What has happened during those eight months? A lot of things. Was thinking of listing down all the stuff and learned during that time because: 1. Nobody reads this blog anymore, and 2. Just for future reference. So here's my best attempt at trying to summarize my eight month hiatus:

1. No matter how many people give you advice on any dilemma or problem that you're facing, NOTHING will happen NOT UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO ACT. The choice will always be up to you. Nobody can force you to change your mind because if you don't want to get out of that rut, you won't. Only you can pull yourself out. Nobody else. You can only save yourself.

2. That being said, sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen to them. They don't want your unsolicited advice or your sermons; they just want someone who will listen to them and sympathize with them. More often than not, people already know what to do, they just need someone to help them along the way.

3. Nobody is worthless. I repeat, NOBODY. Everybody has a significant role to play in the universe, and everyone IS IMPORTANT. God said so Himself. WE ARE CREATED IN HIS IMAGE AND LIKENESS. We are precious. We are wonderful. We are amazing.

4. But we have to realize that. It is only up to us to realize our worth. Once we know what we deserve, we won't settle for anything less. It would be difficult, yes, because some people will abuse our kindness, but nobody should be given the right to treat us like crap and make us feel like crap.

5. It's amazing (and scary) how much one can give when one loves. When I say amazing, I mean it's overwhelming how much one can give to a person when they love them - time, effort, understanding - you name it. As long as you love someone, you'd give anything to make them happy. It's also scary because when you decide to love the wrong person, all that love would go to waste. Most especially when that person won't be able to reciprocate the same intensity that you give out. It would leave you tired. I should know. I've been there.

6. I believe that everyone looks for someone who is interested in what they have to say. I fell in love with someone because he was the person who was always excited to hear how my day went; he was the first person I encountered who would look forward to stuff that I experienced, my random experiences, my realizations, EVERYTHING. And I believe that's what we look for. Don't deny it: everyone wants to feel special and wanted, no matter how "independent" you are.

7. We also want to be surrounded by people who won't judge us, no matter how weird we may get. I actually agree with the statement that "birds of the same feather flock together." It's because we also want to be accepted for who we are. After all, it's difficult to pretend to be someone we're not.

8. At the most trying time of your life, you will realize that your family will be your strongest foundation. During my lowest point, my mother's hugs would ease my restless spirit, my dad's jokes would make me smile, and it was surprising how my brothers were there to comfort me as well. I'm forever grateful that God gave me an amazing support group.

How have I been doing? I'm awesome, better than ever. I've been getting my life back on track thanks to my awesome life coach, I'm in the progress of redeeming my self-esteem, and I've never felt more beautiful than I do right now.

I'll try to start blogging again soon, if time permits it. I missed this. Hello, I'm back. :)

Just Passing By

Hi.

Goodbye.

This blog has been with me for actually more than three years, I just deleted the entries I had way back 2007. And for more than 3 years, it has been my outlet for everything that I've been feeling, whether it be good or bad. It has been my constant friend who was willing to listen to any random rants that I have.

But I have to finally say goodbye to this blog. I am moving forward (to a new domain perhaps).

I'd like to thank the people who have been reading my posts, or those who just came across this blog and decided to read a post. Everybody who has been reading all of my posts, thank you. I am so grateful that some have found it interesting enough to read.

Signing off. :)

Not Enough.

Last year, I remember ranting to one of my friends that I was stuck in a rut in every area of my life: in relationships, work, service, and school. I felt that I was not growing.

But she taught me an important lesson: do not complain until YOU'VE TRIED HARD ENOUGH. Just give it your all, and if it doesn't really work out for you, then leave.

And that is my battle cry for this year: to give everything my all. Whether it be work, service, school, or my relationships with people, I have to give it my all. I have to start stepping out of my comfort zone and do more instead of settling for what's enough.

It's time for me to stretch my wings and really, really fly.

Distant.

That's what you've been lately.

I hope it's not because you've come across this blog.

Exercise.

It's been at least 9 months since I exercised the way I did today. My body was obviously out of shape because 10 minutes into the routine, my body wanted to give up. But I really wanted to lose all of my extra weight, so I finished the routine, which was 30 minutes.

After the exercise, I'm sweating like there's no tomorrow, I'm panting like a dog, but the pride I feel that I finally did it overpowers all the pagod and all the stress that I feel. Amazing.

I wanna keep this up.

Vague. Or not.

I write because I have nothing better to do. It doesn't automatically mean that I have anything better to say, though.

I write because I should be asleep by now, but the thoughts in head keep me up, so I have to let it out. Not that anyone reads this, though, so it should fine to write about how I feel about certain things in a vague way. Or not.

It's the first time I've felt like this for anyone at all: because the friendship is much more important than anything else, I'd rather set aside how I feel because I want to save the friendship. He-who-shall-not-be-named has been playing a very, VERY significant role in my life, and I do not want to take risks, then have awkward moments, then look back and say, "Dang it, I wish I didn't do that." I don't want my issues getting in the way of our friendship.

But it does take some getting used to. Putting limits means that you have to lessen contact with said person. You have to not get used to having them around 24/7. And yep, it is hard, but I'd rather have this than have nothing at all.

I really should be getting to sleep. I might type something specific and end up regretting it. So there you go.

Changes

1. You cannot change other people. Only they can change themselves. YOU ARE NOT A SAVIOR.
2. If a friend or someone important is telling you that you are doing something wrong, please, PLEASE assess yourself. They do not mean it as an insult. THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT YOU. Stop acting like there's nothing you can do about your bad attitude. THERE ALWAYS IS A WAY, YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT.

Limits

I thought that I could enjoy your company while suppressing my so-called "FEELS" for you. 

Apparently, I can't. 

I still haven't gotten the hang of my issues. 

I still expect. 

And this can really ruin our friendship. 

So, in an attempt to save our friendship, I have to set limits from now on.

You are one of the important people in my life, and I cannot imagine losing you over immature feelings. 

So I have to set limits.

But I can't tell you. 

So I put it out there for the whole world to see.

(Not really a very smart idea, I know)

But I know you won't read this. 

I just have to let it out. 

I'm going to be alone in this, you're not gonna be with me. 

I have to set limits to save our friendship.

And yes, to resolve my issues, too.